Smiling Energy is the last principle we teach in our Training Mindfully with Qigong Principles Program, for a very good reason. Over the years I have learned that in order to have a genuine heart felt smile, and a deep sense of gratitude, all 7 of the other principles must be applied first. They do not have to be perfect but they do have to be a genuine, work in progress.
On July 28th, I had what would later become one of the best training exercises for Smiling Energy I have ever endured.
Having just finished several days at the National Qigong Association Conference, I was ready to drive to the airport and fly home. A couple of friends asked if I could give them a ride which I was happy to do. While we had had some rain near the hotel, the closer we got to the airport, the heavier the rain became. Visibility was low and we made several wrong turns (thank you Siri) before finally getting my first friend to the terminal so she could head home. The rain was coming down in sheets and it felt like a tropical storm. Later we found out it was the second largest rainfall total for Philly; 6 inches in 2 hours.
After I dropped friend number one, I proceeded to drive my other friend to her hotel near the airport. The rain was making it difficult to see but now many of the roads were being flooded as well. This included the road at the entrance to her hotel. Left with few options, I plowed into the 8 inches of standing water to get into the hotel parking lot. Water came up over to hood, windshield and roof from the wake of my determination to get her there. Mission accomplished. Rental car, none the worse wear.
The next stage was to drop off the rental car where I saw a poor guy in a yellow rain suit, with his digital scanner and soggy rental receipts waiting for me. Once I was free of the rental car, I had about a 50 yard walk to the bus stop in the rain. The bus was so crowded I assumed it would stop at all terminals including mine. It did not. (That was on me.) Left with the choice of looping through all the other terminals, back to the rental area and back to the terminal again, I decided it was easier to walk back the 100 yards or more to the other terminal. As I began my walk, I was soaked to the bone and feeling pretty sorry for myself. Suddenly I remembered - I LOVE WALKING IN THE RAIN!
My whole attitude changed and I was splashing in puddles and laughing out loud. One gentleman, smoking under the cover of a ledge at the terminal entrance, saw the whole thing and probably wondered if I should be allowed to walk free on the streets. When I arrived at security, literally dripping on the tile floor, they looked at me inquisitively and asked - "What the hell happened to you?" I smiled and said in a playful voice "ITS RAINING!" They still let me pass. When I got to the scanner, my clothes were sticking to me and quite see-through so I proceeded to tell the TSA agent, "you don't have to scan me, you can see right through my clothes!" Smiling of course...No dice. However, it would appear that the airport scanners do not like trying to see through water either so I was offered a free massage right there, for all to see. When the TSA Agent started messing with my waist band I asked him if he was going to buy me dinner first. He barely looked up and said, "not this time." I smiled anyway.
By this time, my bags had gone through the scanner and aroused suspicion as well. I had a beautiful decorative rock in my carry on which I had purchased for Fayne's birthday, which was today. TSA directed me to another area where they could thoroughly search my bags. I smiled and showed them all my stuff. Once they were convinced the rock was actually a rock, they let me move on to my next adventure. Wet, cold and tired, I stopped by a Starbucks and got a coffee before heading to my gate. Once at the gate, with my phone at 8% charge, I found that electrical outlets were very hard to come by with people huddled around each one like moths to a flame. To my surprise there was one open near the gate agent's desk so I grabbed a chair, plugged in and began to breathe deep and relax. It was about then that the first notice came of our plane being delayed because of the storm. I smiled, sat back and prepared for a longer wait. When my phone had reached about 20% charge, I heard a loud boom and the terminal went dark. All power in the terminal went out. It was about this time that the fire alarm went off and we were being told to evacuate the terminal immediately, in 8 different languages. Once the gate agent had checked with the powers that be, we were told we could stay in place because the terminal had simply lost power and there was no immediate danger. I again sat back, breathed deeply and smiled.
I did wonder that if we were in no immediate danger, then why then, for the next hour, did the fire alarm remain so vigilant in it attempts to evacuate the terminal. I could feel that people were getting very frustrated. Pained by the loud noise of the alarm and flashing strobe lights in the dark terminal. There was nothing for me to do so I sat back and began to breathe deep and smile. I went into a deep meditation whereby I began to explorer the intricate sounds which made up the alarm tone. When you listen carefully there are actually several different tones and rhythms in an alarm signal. I thought about how the "alarm tone designers" might have decided what tones to use. I imagined them trying to figure out which ones, in which combination would get the most attention. I think they found a winner in Philly. At one point in all the chaos and frustration at gate 29, with me sitting in my corner breathing and smiling, I felt eyes on me so I opened mine to find the gate agent staring at me and smiling back. In that moment, when our eyes met, I realized that I had inadvertently helped her reframe the experience we were having. Her mood lightened up and she began to be more playful and light hearted with the hundred or so fellow passengers clamoring for her attention. This made me smile even deeper. The smile was spreading.
It was near this time that the passengers which had more access to technology than our gate agent, informed her our flight had been cancelled. When she confirmed it for us, I worked to booked a hotel room nearby on 7% power with a wordy hotel agent who insisted on going through her programmed spiel even though I had explained thatI might lose my phone power at any moment. I then left the terminal in search of a working outlet for my failing phone. Having found one in a main hallway, I was sitting where people were running by me frantically trying to find their way home. Still wet and cold, I worked to simultaneously charge my phone and get a return flight home. No dice. The best they could do was Tuesday afternoon. Then about an hour later, I was able to get a flight out on Monday but it was in New York. I would have to navigate my way by train and bus to catch that flight. With my phone mostly charged decided to get to the hotel, dry off and try again later.
Once in the room, and dry, I was trying to figure out how to get to New York by navigating the unfamiliar public transportation systems between Philly and New York. I smiled and looked at this as another adventure. Something I had never done before. It was about then that American Airlines called me back and we were able to get me on a US Airways flight back to Dallas out of Philly on Monday afternoon. I cancelled my Monday classes, notified Fayne of the changes, smiled and went to bed.
MOnday morning, fully rested and fed, I left for the airport early expecting there to be a significant crowd of stranded passengers from the previous days adventure. I was right. The line at the check in desk was very long and the agents were being taxed with frustrated, annoyed passengers. When it was my turn, I walked up to the desk smiling and sheepishly said, hello, I am an American Airlines Refugee...Can you help me get home. She giggled and said don't hold your breath, I have only had one other person with a confirmed reservation transferred from American all day. I smiled and hoped for the best. After a few minutes of checking, she informed me I was the second one today that had a confirmed MIDDLE seat. I smiled and asked, do you have a window or isle? She laughed and said I must be a comedian and should count my blessings that I was inside the plane. Then I proceeded to say sheepishly - "then a first class seat is out of the question?" To that, we both laughed out loud. I thanked her for her time and effort and began to head to the terminal. Smiling. When I looked back, I noticed that she now had a smile in her heart for the next customer in line. Again, the smile was spreading.
As I sat and had a nice lunch waiting for my flight, I thought back on the previous 24 hours events. I know that in the not so distant past, I would have handled all of it much differently. I could have easily been one of the irate, frustrated, "why does this always happen TO me" passengers. Instead, I chose to move past that mindset and realized all of this was happening FOR me. By TRUSTING that I would be fine no matter what was thrown my way, ALLOWING the events to unfold as they needed to (not trying to control thing I clearly could not control) and feeling GRATEFUL all the while, I truly felt a deep sense of personal practice unfold. With every turn of events, I smiled deeper. I thought of how I could relate this back to my students. I truly felt grateful for ever turn. I moved from victim, to survivor. Smiling Energy is indeed a powerful tool worth cultivating.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
No Excuses. Just Human, and Humbled.
The past couple of week have been a bit overwhelming and I fell off the wagon, hard. I have fallen back into old patterns of self talk and behaviors which I clearly know do not serve me. I have been drinking alcohol (not to excess) but enough to feel it, drinking lots of coffee and consequently, eating lots of sugar. As a result, I am in a lot of physical pain and feeling defeated. I am now up to 201 pounds and the goals I set at the beginning of this year feel out of reach.
As I process what happened, If find that the week leading up to Galen's Bar Mitzvah was particularly stressful with lots of last minutes preparations, frustrations and rushing around. The day itself was amazing, Galen did a beautiful job and we had many friends and family around to share the event and love with us. I found myself teetering between staying focused on my goals and letting go with the excuse of the "special occasion". The latter won.
During the next week, while in this already emotionally weakened state, I learned that Aaron, a 20 year old boy I had been working with in hospital, had died. While I could not have seen it coming and was helpless to stop it, his death hit me hard. So young, yet so lost. I thought about my boys and fear for their futures began to infiltrate my thoughts. I reached for comfort in the thing that weakens me, sugar.
As I sit and write this morning, I have a migraine, my right shoulder and arm are weak and painful, my mid back is very tight and my foundation (back, hips, knees, feet) are all painful and unhappy. My emotions are low and I feel I have nothing left in the tank.
As I sit back, take a few deep breaths and clear my mind, I am realizing that these thoughts and emotions are all temporary and well within my control. Today is a new day and an opportunity to reframe my goals. I know when I am moving towards my goals I feel light, clear and strong. I know I do not want to be in pain. So, instead of using the past two weeks as a tool for self deprecation, I am choosing to use it as a learning experience on this journey. The more I learn, the less likely I will be surprised and fall victim, in this manner again.
Now, I see how easy it is to loose sight of my goals and fall back into old patterns. Now, I see how life can take quick, surprising turns and lead me down dark alleys. Now, I see how much physical pain is directly associated with my diet and emotional state.
And now, I see how opening my eyes, being honest, caring and willing to accept my own short comings can free me from my harmful patterns.
As I process what happened, If find that the week leading up to Galen's Bar Mitzvah was particularly stressful with lots of last minutes preparations, frustrations and rushing around. The day itself was amazing, Galen did a beautiful job and we had many friends and family around to share the event and love with us. I found myself teetering between staying focused on my goals and letting go with the excuse of the "special occasion". The latter won.
During the next week, while in this already emotionally weakened state, I learned that Aaron, a 20 year old boy I had been working with in hospital, had died. While I could not have seen it coming and was helpless to stop it, his death hit me hard. So young, yet so lost. I thought about my boys and fear for their futures began to infiltrate my thoughts. I reached for comfort in the thing that weakens me, sugar.
As I sit and write this morning, I have a migraine, my right shoulder and arm are weak and painful, my mid back is very tight and my foundation (back, hips, knees, feet) are all painful and unhappy. My emotions are low and I feel I have nothing left in the tank.
As I sit back, take a few deep breaths and clear my mind, I am realizing that these thoughts and emotions are all temporary and well within my control. Today is a new day and an opportunity to reframe my goals. I know when I am moving towards my goals I feel light, clear and strong. I know I do not want to be in pain. So, instead of using the past two weeks as a tool for self deprecation, I am choosing to use it as a learning experience on this journey. The more I learn, the less likely I will be surprised and fall victim, in this manner again.
Now, I see how easy it is to loose sight of my goals and fall back into old patterns. Now, I see how life can take quick, surprising turns and lead me down dark alleys. Now, I see how much physical pain is directly associated with my diet and emotional state.
And now, I see how opening my eyes, being honest, caring and willing to accept my own short comings can free me from my harmful patterns.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The power of stress...
Today I weighed in at 200 lbs. When I saw that number on my scale, the first feeling I had was one of utter defeat. I immediately heard a powerful old self talk come out as "what's the use." Man, what a difference a week makes. Last week I was feeling really strong, making progress and moving forward, one little setback and whammo, the patterns return.
As I look back for some idea of what happened I notice that my stress level has been quite high this week. We started the next series of VA Programs, I am behind schedule on the workbooks, DVDs, Galen's Bar Mitzvah, home maintenance, house cleaning, family responsibilities and so much more. There are pressures coming at me from what feels like every direction possible in my life. I have been sleeping less, feeling more pain in my body and craving coffee and subsequently, sugar.
We teach our students about the holistic approach to the healing process and the fact that the three levels of human existence - Physical - Mental and Emotional depend upon each other for support and can affect each other negatively as well. We encourage students to listen to these three levels intently and recognize how they correlate to each other. With this knowledge, one can take active control over much of your life. I may not be able to relieve myself of all pain from a chronic injury but I can certainly reduce my pain symptoms by altering how I think and feel about the pain and related circumstances. It starts with stress...
What we feel as stress begins with a stimulation of the sympathetic side of the autonomic nervous system. Or more commonly called, the fight or flight mechanism. When the stress response is triggered, many systems jump into action with the elevation of heart rate, breathing rate, blood pressure, mental acuity... while some fall back to allow more room for the necessary response, most notably, digestion. So the more stressed out I feel, the harder it becomes for me to properly digest my food, leading to a myriad of digestive disorders such as ulcers, gastritis, colitis, irritable bowl syndrome, migraines and much more. As my digestion slows, or in extreme cases shuts down, my ability to process food properly, diminishes thus causes more food to be stored instead of released. This is on top of the myriad of hormones released while under stress which lead to storage, rather than processing of, food.
I am clear that key for me on this journey will be to use my stress management strategies to allow my body to maintain a more balanced approach to processing food.
As I look back for some idea of what happened I notice that my stress level has been quite high this week. We started the next series of VA Programs, I am behind schedule on the workbooks, DVDs, Galen's Bar Mitzvah, home maintenance, house cleaning, family responsibilities and so much more. There are pressures coming at me from what feels like every direction possible in my life. I have been sleeping less, feeling more pain in my body and craving coffee and subsequently, sugar.
We teach our students about the holistic approach to the healing process and the fact that the three levels of human existence - Physical - Mental and Emotional depend upon each other for support and can affect each other negatively as well. We encourage students to listen to these three levels intently and recognize how they correlate to each other. With this knowledge, one can take active control over much of your life. I may not be able to relieve myself of all pain from a chronic injury but I can certainly reduce my pain symptoms by altering how I think and feel about the pain and related circumstances. It starts with stress...
What we feel as stress begins with a stimulation of the sympathetic side of the autonomic nervous system. Or more commonly called, the fight or flight mechanism. When the stress response is triggered, many systems jump into action with the elevation of heart rate, breathing rate, blood pressure, mental acuity... while some fall back to allow more room for the necessary response, most notably, digestion. So the more stressed out I feel, the harder it becomes for me to properly digest my food, leading to a myriad of digestive disorders such as ulcers, gastritis, colitis, irritable bowl syndrome, migraines and much more. As my digestion slows, or in extreme cases shuts down, my ability to process food properly, diminishes thus causes more food to be stored instead of released. This is on top of the myriad of hormones released while under stress which lead to storage, rather than processing of, food.
I am clear that key for me on this journey will be to use my stress management strategies to allow my body to maintain a more balanced approach to processing food.
Friday, February 1, 2013
A week full of opportunities...
I am getting to this later than I had hoped but such is life. This morning I weighed in at 199.7 pounds. At this rate, I will reach my goal weight of 185 lbs. in less than three months.
One of my favorite mantras is "TRUST - ALLOW - BE THANKFUL" ~ Dr. Alan Chen
TRUST that everything is unfolding as it needs to, in your best interest
ALLOW things to unfold before you in their own time
BE THANKFUL for every step and lesson along the way
This week began very well with me leaving for Albuquerque NM to attend a weekend of Board meetings with my colleagues on the National Qigong Association Board of Directors. For me, the big challenge when traveling has always been sticking to a healthy diet. Restaurants are notorious for serving rich, oversized portions and offering intense dessert options. Not long ago I would have fallen prey to my "I deserve this" self talk and would have come home having added at least two of three pounds to my morning weigh in. I am pleased to say, not this time.
Over the past month, my observations regarding self talk, triggers and patterns has really helped me to become more aware. That awareness has helped to shift my behaviors from "unconscious habit" to conscious choices and WOW what a difference! I found myself easily moving past bad choices on the menu and finding the best choices for my continued success, and it did not feel like sacrifice, at all. In addition, when I made a choice which was a bit less healthy, I allowed that to be a conscious choice and therefore did not have the guilt and self loathing attached to it I am so used to feeling. I even had a very nice chocolate tort (flourless cake) with a creme brûlée layer on top for dessert on Saturday night. This was topping off a nice grilled salmon caesar salad. No guilt. This is very new territory for me.
On the walk back to the hotel I listened to what I was telling myself about the meal I had just enjoyed. Yes, there was some doubt that I had made a good choice but over all I allowed myself that treat without the baggage.
Now, once I got home, things were a bit different. We began a new series of Qigong Principle Training at the Dallas VA on Tuesday and I was feeling lees than prepared. In short, my "less than" and "not good enough" self talk was on full volume. Being pulled in many directions, I find myself lacking time to work on the tools for that program which leaves me feeling frustrated and fatalistic. This leads me to being tired, then when I do have time, I sometimes lack the motivation to step into what I know have to (and truly want to) do. This is where some of my positive self talk comes in to save the day. "I can do this" / "one step at a time" / "it will get done" are all things I hear in my head, especially when I am feeling really beat down. Sometimes "whats the use" wins, but not for long. For you see, even with all the difficulty I have faced in my life, I am still here. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I married one too.
Even still, the fighter in me allowed my anger to crop up this week and my pain levels have been higher than usual. This is a familiar, albeit uncomfortable, pattern. I tried to sit with my breath and listen to my anger, working to identify where it was coming from but at times it was clouded over and unclear. This simply shows me that there are parts inside me which still need me to listen with an open mind and compassionate heart. There was a time where my ego would get really angry at the thought that I was not "done" with my anger but I know realize I am, and will continue to be a "work in progress".
One of my favorite mantras is "TRUST - ALLOW - BE THANKFUL" ~ Dr. Alan Chen
TRUST that everything is unfolding as it needs to, in your best interest
ALLOW things to unfold before you in their own time
BE THANKFUL for every step and lesson along the way
This week began very well with me leaving for Albuquerque NM to attend a weekend of Board meetings with my colleagues on the National Qigong Association Board of Directors. For me, the big challenge when traveling has always been sticking to a healthy diet. Restaurants are notorious for serving rich, oversized portions and offering intense dessert options. Not long ago I would have fallen prey to my "I deserve this" self talk and would have come home having added at least two of three pounds to my morning weigh in. I am pleased to say, not this time.
Over the past month, my observations regarding self talk, triggers and patterns has really helped me to become more aware. That awareness has helped to shift my behaviors from "unconscious habit" to conscious choices and WOW what a difference! I found myself easily moving past bad choices on the menu and finding the best choices for my continued success, and it did not feel like sacrifice, at all. In addition, when I made a choice which was a bit less healthy, I allowed that to be a conscious choice and therefore did not have the guilt and self loathing attached to it I am so used to feeling. I even had a very nice chocolate tort (flourless cake) with a creme brûlée layer on top for dessert on Saturday night. This was topping off a nice grilled salmon caesar salad. No guilt. This is very new territory for me.
On the walk back to the hotel I listened to what I was telling myself about the meal I had just enjoyed. Yes, there was some doubt that I had made a good choice but over all I allowed myself that treat without the baggage.
Now, once I got home, things were a bit different. We began a new series of Qigong Principle Training at the Dallas VA on Tuesday and I was feeling lees than prepared. In short, my "less than" and "not good enough" self talk was on full volume. Being pulled in many directions, I find myself lacking time to work on the tools for that program which leaves me feeling frustrated and fatalistic. This leads me to being tired, then when I do have time, I sometimes lack the motivation to step into what I know have to (and truly want to) do. This is where some of my positive self talk comes in to save the day. "I can do this" / "one step at a time" / "it will get done" are all things I hear in my head, especially when I am feeling really beat down. Sometimes "whats the use" wins, but not for long. For you see, even with all the difficulty I have faced in my life, I am still here. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I married one too.
Even still, the fighter in me allowed my anger to crop up this week and my pain levels have been higher than usual. This is a familiar, albeit uncomfortable, pattern. I tried to sit with my breath and listen to my anger, working to identify where it was coming from but at times it was clouded over and unclear. This simply shows me that there are parts inside me which still need me to listen with an open mind and compassionate heart. There was a time where my ego would get really angry at the thought that I was not "done" with my anger but I know realize I am, and will continue to be a "work in progress".
Friday, January 25, 2013
Dealing with temptations...
Today, I am at 200 pounds. I have not seen that number on my scale in almost 2 years. Last Friday I was at 201, then Friday night I had the very rare opportunity to take Kamin out for a "Daddy and Me" dinner. We started out for a nice Chinese Buffet near our home but it was so crowded we decided to go to a small German restaurant near by instead. In typical German style, the food was delicious and abundant. Looking back I ate at least twice what I normally eat in one sitting. The next morning I was up to 203! Yikes! Wrong way...
Immediately after the meal, feeling stuffed, and cloudy I noticed a sense of guilt starting to creep in, and the sadness I have so long associated with "failures" in my life. This is not a comfortable place, anymore. Recognizing the pattern of failure feeding guilt, then using the self talk "Whats the use" to fall back into old habits, I sat back listened, breathed deep and gave myself the opportunity to learn from the experience instead.
I learned that guilt is a significant trigger for me. I fail to hold up to my own (or others) expectations and whammo, I give up on myself. As I mentioned before, once the trigger / pattern has been identified, it loses its ability to control, without conscious permission. I recently found a wonderful quote for this particular point -
"If you're tired of starting over, then stop giving up"
I have been limiting myself to one cup of coffee but this week, after about an hour of consideration, I allowed myself two. No sugar, just a bit of milk. I allowed that to be ok and worked to notice if I felt or thought any differently during the day. Without the guilt, nothing really came up.
This process continues to be a fruitful exploration of self and how I align myself thorough thoughts and actions. Triggers, patterns and opportunities to "Cheat" abound in a house full of children and responsibilities.
This week, I gave myself permission to be less than perfect.
Immediately after the meal, feeling stuffed, and cloudy I noticed a sense of guilt starting to creep in, and the sadness I have so long associated with "failures" in my life. This is not a comfortable place, anymore. Recognizing the pattern of failure feeding guilt, then using the self talk "Whats the use" to fall back into old habits, I sat back listened, breathed deep and gave myself the opportunity to learn from the experience instead.
I learned that guilt is a significant trigger for me. I fail to hold up to my own (or others) expectations and whammo, I give up on myself. As I mentioned before, once the trigger / pattern has been identified, it loses its ability to control, without conscious permission. I recently found a wonderful quote for this particular point -
"If you're tired of starting over, then stop giving up"
I have been limiting myself to one cup of coffee but this week, after about an hour of consideration, I allowed myself two. No sugar, just a bit of milk. I allowed that to be ok and worked to notice if I felt or thought any differently during the day. Without the guilt, nothing really came up.
This process continues to be a fruitful exploration of self and how I align myself thorough thoughts and actions. Triggers, patterns and opportunities to "Cheat" abound in a house full of children and responsibilities.
This week, I gave myself permission to be less than perfect.
Friday, January 18, 2013
The cravings are getting easier to manage.
Today I am at 201 lbs. I am finding managing the cravings for sweets to be much easier, especially as I see / feel the results of my progress. My knees hurt less, I have more energy and I am more alert. I have noticed some important things this week related to my cravings and patterns.
December 2012, I personally feel, was the peak of my depression, resentment and self deprecation. As I gain distance from that time, I am starting to see how powerful my addiction has been and the pattern I have been trapped in for so long. I know I am just getting started and I have more to do on this life long change but I am more confident in my potential for success than I have ever been in my life. I have more tools at my disposal and a strong, loving support system, which includes readers of this Blog.
Taking some terminology from psychotherapy, triggers are typically external stimulations which cause an internal response. These can be certain people, places, actions, sights, smells and sounds. Think Pavlov's Dog, he hears a bell and begins to salivate. I eat a meal and begin to crave dessert. I have a coffee and begin to crave a cookie or chocolate. I feel stressed, I begin to seek out sexual pleasure as a form of relief. The foods or even sex are not the problem here, it is the manner in which I am using them that is at issue. It is not coming from a healthy place, a habitual reaction not a choice. When I give in to a trigger, I am simply relieving a habitual pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Reaction -> Result...
Drink coffee -> Crave Chocolate -> Eat Chocolate -> Feel good then later feel guilt or shame for giving in to the trigger. Coupled with self deprecation when looking in the mirror. This adds to my stress which then adds to my trigger and here I go again.
The Qigong Principle of Listening has become one of my best friends on this journey. It has allowed me to notice when the triggers are activated and proactively choose a different reaction. So here is the pattern I am working on now. When a trigger comes up, I notice it and determine where it is coming from; am I feeling stress, am I reacting out of habit (IE after meal dessert); I sit with the feeling as long as is necessary to gain understanding of its origin. Once I understand it, I choose to accept it or reject it and allow EITHER decision to be ok. So here is the new pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Listen -> Conscious Choice -> Acceptance -> Result...
Here is an example from this week - Fayne and I had the opportunity for a date night after a long afternoon in the sound booth recording voiceovers for our new Training DVD. I took her to The Afgan Grill in North Dallas. When I got to the restaurant I was already plotting my path through the meal, craving Baklava and Turkish Coffee. I ordered a Vegetarian dish partly to save some "caloric room" for these amazing treats. We had water with the meal but it was very cold outside and I wanted something warm to drink - TURKISH COFFEE! I knew this would further trigger/ enhance my desire for dessert so I waited to order it. I ate slowly, and about half way through my plate, I ordered hot tea instead. Much to my surprise and pleasure, they make an amazing Cardamon Tea. (My new favorite) I still had the cravings but I was sitting with them, enjoying the meal and our conversation. By the end, I had let go of the cravings and even better yet, felt no remorse for the decision. I did not feel deprived and depressed which has historically been one of the main reasons for my past failed attempts at change.
In the end, using Listening Energy to identify my triggers and recognize the habitual patterns has allowed me to make conscious choices which serve my best, long term interest. As I see and feel positive results on this journey, the cravings are not nearly as strong, and they have become much shorter in length.
Thank you for listening.
December 2012, I personally feel, was the peak of my depression, resentment and self deprecation. As I gain distance from that time, I am starting to see how powerful my addiction has been and the pattern I have been trapped in for so long. I know I am just getting started and I have more to do on this life long change but I am more confident in my potential for success than I have ever been in my life. I have more tools at my disposal and a strong, loving support system, which includes readers of this Blog.
Taking some terminology from psychotherapy, triggers are typically external stimulations which cause an internal response. These can be certain people, places, actions, sights, smells and sounds. Think Pavlov's Dog, he hears a bell and begins to salivate. I eat a meal and begin to crave dessert. I have a coffee and begin to crave a cookie or chocolate. I feel stressed, I begin to seek out sexual pleasure as a form of relief. The foods or even sex are not the problem here, it is the manner in which I am using them that is at issue. It is not coming from a healthy place, a habitual reaction not a choice. When I give in to a trigger, I am simply relieving a habitual pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Reaction -> Result...
Drink coffee -> Crave Chocolate -> Eat Chocolate -> Feel good then later feel guilt or shame for giving in to the trigger. Coupled with self deprecation when looking in the mirror. This adds to my stress which then adds to my trigger and here I go again.
The Qigong Principle of Listening has become one of my best friends on this journey. It has allowed me to notice when the triggers are activated and proactively choose a different reaction. So here is the pattern I am working on now. When a trigger comes up, I notice it and determine where it is coming from; am I feeling stress, am I reacting out of habit (IE after meal dessert); I sit with the feeling as long as is necessary to gain understanding of its origin. Once I understand it, I choose to accept it or reject it and allow EITHER decision to be ok. So here is the new pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Listen -> Conscious Choice -> Acceptance -> Result...
Here is an example from this week - Fayne and I had the opportunity for a date night after a long afternoon in the sound booth recording voiceovers for our new Training DVD. I took her to The Afgan Grill in North Dallas. When I got to the restaurant I was already plotting my path through the meal, craving Baklava and Turkish Coffee. I ordered a Vegetarian dish partly to save some "caloric room" for these amazing treats. We had water with the meal but it was very cold outside and I wanted something warm to drink - TURKISH COFFEE! I knew this would further trigger/ enhance my desire for dessert so I waited to order it. I ate slowly, and about half way through my plate, I ordered hot tea instead. Much to my surprise and pleasure, they make an amazing Cardamon Tea. (My new favorite) I still had the cravings but I was sitting with them, enjoying the meal and our conversation. By the end, I had let go of the cravings and even better yet, felt no remorse for the decision. I did not feel deprived and depressed which has historically been one of the main reasons for my past failed attempts at change.
In the end, using Listening Energy to identify my triggers and recognize the habitual patterns has allowed me to make conscious choices which serve my best, long term interest. As I see and feel positive results on this journey, the cravings are not nearly as strong, and they have become much shorter in length.
Thank you for listening.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Sinking Energy...Letting go
This week I weighed in at 204. Down two pounds. My mind feels brighter and I am finding I have more energy. I started back to teaching, after our year end break, which brings about a new selection of challenges. Mondays, I eat snacks in the car, driving between classes. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I typically eat out, using the down time to read and write. As we all know eating well in a restaurant can be a challenge, between calories, portion sizes and other temptations. This is where Sinking Energy can come into play.
Sinking Energy, on a physical level, is about letting go of unnecessary muscles. Allowing my structural alignment (bones) to bear the majority of the load and my muscles to move the load from place to place, in proper alignment. On a mental level, Sinking Energy becomes about letting go of thoughts which do not serve me. "its just one treat", "I deserve this" and "I don't care" are three big ones for me, especially when I am looking at things that do not support my long term health goals.
Taking a step back, before I could make a conscious choice to move past these "self talk" messages, I first had to hear them clearly, acknowledge that they at one point may have served me but are now in my way. Here is a typical example form my week - I am feeling "snackie" and head to the pantry. Nutella! I can smell it, remember how it tastes and want some. Then I hear, "but you shouldn't". Then, but I have been so good, I swam 2000 meters on Thursday - "I deserve this". If I am able to resist further, then I hear, "I don't care". Even though a part of me knows I really do care. Especially when my pants are too tight and I feel foggy and tired after the fact.
In my work with addictions, I have learned that the typical "physical need" once triggered, lasts only about 20 minutes. After that it is a mental game. So one strategy I am implementing on this journey is to sit with the craving and self talk for 20 minutes before I make a final decision on the "treat". This does not mean sitting in meditation, although that can be very good if the craving is strong. It simply means to spend time listening to the craving. I find that doing something else while I am actively listening to the craving helps distract. With this practice, I am finding that after about 15 minutes, the internal drive for the treat is basically gone. And if, after waiting, I choose to have the treat then I eat it slowly, allowing myself to enjoy every morsel, guilt free. That is the deal. Obviously if the addiction is deadly, such as with narcotics, leaving the guilt free sampling out is critical to long term success.
I found a saying that I have posted on my wall next to my desk which is helping me with letting go of these thoughts that no longer serve my best interests.
"Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW, and what you want MOST." Perfect.
Sinking Energy, on a physical level, is about letting go of unnecessary muscles. Allowing my structural alignment (bones) to bear the majority of the load and my muscles to move the load from place to place, in proper alignment. On a mental level, Sinking Energy becomes about letting go of thoughts which do not serve me. "its just one treat", "I deserve this" and "I don't care" are three big ones for me, especially when I am looking at things that do not support my long term health goals.
Taking a step back, before I could make a conscious choice to move past these "self talk" messages, I first had to hear them clearly, acknowledge that they at one point may have served me but are now in my way. Here is a typical example form my week - I am feeling "snackie" and head to the pantry. Nutella! I can smell it, remember how it tastes and want some. Then I hear, "but you shouldn't". Then, but I have been so good, I swam 2000 meters on Thursday - "I deserve this". If I am able to resist further, then I hear, "I don't care". Even though a part of me knows I really do care. Especially when my pants are too tight and I feel foggy and tired after the fact.
In my work with addictions, I have learned that the typical "physical need" once triggered, lasts only about 20 minutes. After that it is a mental game. So one strategy I am implementing on this journey is to sit with the craving and self talk for 20 minutes before I make a final decision on the "treat". This does not mean sitting in meditation, although that can be very good if the craving is strong. It simply means to spend time listening to the craving. I find that doing something else while I am actively listening to the craving helps distract. With this practice, I am finding that after about 15 minutes, the internal drive for the treat is basically gone. And if, after waiting, I choose to have the treat then I eat it slowly, allowing myself to enjoy every morsel, guilt free. That is the deal. Obviously if the addiction is deadly, such as with narcotics, leaving the guilt free sampling out is critical to long term success.
I found a saying that I have posted on my wall next to my desk which is helping me with letting go of these thoughts that no longer serve my best interests.
"Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW, and what you want MOST." Perfect.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Exploring Qigong Principles from the inside out...
Like water always seeking to be level, we are all simply seeking balance in our lives. If we are hot, we want to cool down; cold, warm up; hungry, eat; tired, sleep. In pain, get out of pain and so on. There is a delicate, intricate balance of chemicals in our bodies which is always simply seeking to be in balance.
As I continue this journey of internal change, the principle of "Listening" is a wonderful tool to dig deep into who I am, right now. Here are some examples from this week.
I love coffee. I would consider it a comfort food for me. It is not about the caffeine, it is about the smell, the taste (with cream and sugar) and the warmth I get from drinking it. I am going without for now because I have learned that it is a trigger for my sugar cravings. Yes, I drink it with sugar but even when I don't, the craving is still there although, not as strong. So, until I can learn to moderate, I will stay away from that trigger of temptation.
Also, I am noticing that at certain times of the day I am REALLY craving sweets and as I look back at my habits, I begin to see how the pattern plays out. We usually finish dinner around 7 or 8 pm and by 10 pm I am finding myself hungry for a snack. This leads me down the road of wanting to fill that void before going to bed. I hear a persistent self talk of "don't go to bed hungry". I found myself pacing around last night trying to talk myself out of a snack and then trying to find a healthy snack that I felt would satisfy my pattern and self talk. I tried a few pine nuts, and a small oatmeal cookie (gluten free, sugar free, taste free). No dice. I still had this savory - sweet craving that I thought only a Payday candy bar could fill. I ended up out on the back porch, sitting in meditation with a glass of water and the cold night air, listening. While I sat in a Dan Tien Breathing meditation, listening to the craving, the pattern and the desire slowly drifted out of my body. I stayed up for a while more but the craving had left me.
I can see that the principle of listening will serve me very well on this journey.
As I continue this journey of internal change, the principle of "Listening" is a wonderful tool to dig deep into who I am, right now. Here are some examples from this week.
I love coffee. I would consider it a comfort food for me. It is not about the caffeine, it is about the smell, the taste (with cream and sugar) and the warmth I get from drinking it. I am going without for now because I have learned that it is a trigger for my sugar cravings. Yes, I drink it with sugar but even when I don't, the craving is still there although, not as strong. So, until I can learn to moderate, I will stay away from that trigger of temptation.
Also, I am noticing that at certain times of the day I am REALLY craving sweets and as I look back at my habits, I begin to see how the pattern plays out. We usually finish dinner around 7 or 8 pm and by 10 pm I am finding myself hungry for a snack. This leads me down the road of wanting to fill that void before going to bed. I hear a persistent self talk of "don't go to bed hungry". I found myself pacing around last night trying to talk myself out of a snack and then trying to find a healthy snack that I felt would satisfy my pattern and self talk. I tried a few pine nuts, and a small oatmeal cookie (gluten free, sugar free, taste free). No dice. I still had this savory - sweet craving that I thought only a Payday candy bar could fill. I ended up out on the back porch, sitting in meditation with a glass of water and the cold night air, listening. While I sat in a Dan Tien Breathing meditation, listening to the craving, the pattern and the desire slowly drifted out of my body. I stayed up for a while more but the craving had left me.
I can see that the principle of listening will serve me very well on this journey.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy? New Year 2013
As I sit and read my last entry, I am realizing I have so many things going on in my life right now. Over the past year I have strived to live the words I wrote in December 2011 but I know I have fallen short at times. Does this make me a bad person? I think it makes me an average mortal. We strive, we try, we fail, we strive we try, we succeed, we strive, we try we fail and so on...The key is that we learn with each step we take. The learning is where I have fallen down maybe more than most for you see, I am an addict. I am addicted to pleasure and its many forms.
In Daoist Tradition, this is the year of the Water Snake, my year to step up. To honor myself, my many teachers and the path I have been given to walk in this life.
I ask my students to move into discomfort, and often say that the places where we are most uncomfortable offer the most power to heal. Well, there is nothing more uncomfortable to me, right now than the words I am about to share on this page. I feel my heart energy stirring so I know I am in the right place, for me to begin healing on a deeper level. I am and Addict.
For most of my adult life, I was addicted to sex as a means of proving myself worthy of love. Meaning if I was sharing sex with a woman, I was loving and loved. It took many years and painful processing for me to realize how wrong I was. Sex has nothing to do with love, but deep love can lead to wonderful sex. I struggled with the confused picture of sex I was given as an 11/12 year old Boy Scout, by a Scout Leader who was also very confused about what love was. It took me many years to move the profound confusion, anger and hatred I had for him into a place of compassion. Not forgiveness, just compassion for the hardships he must have endured to grow up so confused. I do not wish to mislead anyone into thinking that I have forgotten what happened, that is not the case. if I close my eyes, I can still go there, but what i feel now is very different. Having come to peace with this time in my life has been about finding the gifts I have been given during that difficult time.
1) I am a very loving, active father to our three boys. I have learned to show them what self respect and honesty can bring to their hearts. They are all three, active Scouts and strong, kind, loving young men.
2) As a husband, I have learned the meaning of true love. And that the physical act of sex is a very small fraction of what true love is about. This is still a work in progress for me as my physical desires are still strong and confusion returns at times of pain and emotional weakness.
3) As a Recreational Therapist, I spend time each week with people who are struggling to make sense of their personal traumas. My having sat in their shoes (often to a lesser degree) has given me the ability to empathize with them, earn their respect, and share some of the tools I have used on my personal healing path.
I am an Addict.
Sugar and fats have been a big part of my life as far back as I can remember. There were many painful times in my childhood and there are several food groups which give me comfort and pleasure. The words "I deserve this" are often playing in the back of my mind when I reach for something I know is not healthy and will add to my growing waistline. At 206 pounds, I am heavier today than I have ever been in my life.
When working with addiction, I tell patients to face their feelings and listen to the self talk to gain insights into why the "drug of choice" is in their lives. What keeps you going back for more?
This is going to be my forum for learning this piece of myself. I am making it public because I have been struggling with this too long in private. My health is at risk and I feel like a hypocrite if I do not step up to the challenges I give each of my students / patients.
So here goes...I am addicted to sugars and fats...They give me pleasure which, as stated above, is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I recently read a book which I found very useful on this path - Suicide by Sugar in which the author quotes research showing sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It sure feels that way to me.
In October of 2010, I went on a week long retreat at Magnolia Grove Monastery to listen to the profound wisdom of my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay). After a couple of days without sugar, my body felt terrible, weakness, headaches, nausea, the shakes. It was very surprising to me. At the end of day three, I started feeling amazing. Bright, strong and full of energy. Part of it was the environment, vegetarian cooking and deep meditations but I can not ignore how profound my cravings for sugar were early in the week. As with any addict, it is easy to stay sober when you are isolated from the substance of choice. However, out here in the real world, sugars and fats are all around us. Out in plain sight as well as deeply hidden in the foods we eat.
There are several parts to this healing path -
I will be working to eliminate all forms of sugar from my diet and reducing fats.
I will be listening intently to the self talk and working to heal the words, replacing them with my new core beliefs.
I will seek outside support for my goals from family, friends and strangers to help me along this path for we never do anything, truly on our own.
I will use the training principles I have been given in my training to deepen my physical, mental and emotional commitment to myself and my students.
I am committing to write an entry every Friday throughout 2013 to document my progress.
This will be a work in progress but today is as good a day as any to start my journey.
In Daoist Tradition, this is the year of the Water Snake, my year to step up. To honor myself, my many teachers and the path I have been given to walk in this life.
I ask my students to move into discomfort, and often say that the places where we are most uncomfortable offer the most power to heal. Well, there is nothing more uncomfortable to me, right now than the words I am about to share on this page. I feel my heart energy stirring so I know I am in the right place, for me to begin healing on a deeper level. I am and Addict.
For most of my adult life, I was addicted to sex as a means of proving myself worthy of love. Meaning if I was sharing sex with a woman, I was loving and loved. It took many years and painful processing for me to realize how wrong I was. Sex has nothing to do with love, but deep love can lead to wonderful sex. I struggled with the confused picture of sex I was given as an 11/12 year old Boy Scout, by a Scout Leader who was also very confused about what love was. It took me many years to move the profound confusion, anger and hatred I had for him into a place of compassion. Not forgiveness, just compassion for the hardships he must have endured to grow up so confused. I do not wish to mislead anyone into thinking that I have forgotten what happened, that is not the case. if I close my eyes, I can still go there, but what i feel now is very different. Having come to peace with this time in my life has been about finding the gifts I have been given during that difficult time.
1) I am a very loving, active father to our three boys. I have learned to show them what self respect and honesty can bring to their hearts. They are all three, active Scouts and strong, kind, loving young men.
2) As a husband, I have learned the meaning of true love. And that the physical act of sex is a very small fraction of what true love is about. This is still a work in progress for me as my physical desires are still strong and confusion returns at times of pain and emotional weakness.
3) As a Recreational Therapist, I spend time each week with people who are struggling to make sense of their personal traumas. My having sat in their shoes (often to a lesser degree) has given me the ability to empathize with them, earn their respect, and share some of the tools I have used on my personal healing path.
I am an Addict.
Sugar and fats have been a big part of my life as far back as I can remember. There were many painful times in my childhood and there are several food groups which give me comfort and pleasure. The words "I deserve this" are often playing in the back of my mind when I reach for something I know is not healthy and will add to my growing waistline. At 206 pounds, I am heavier today than I have ever been in my life.
When working with addiction, I tell patients to face their feelings and listen to the self talk to gain insights into why the "drug of choice" is in their lives. What keeps you going back for more?
This is going to be my forum for learning this piece of myself. I am making it public because I have been struggling with this too long in private. My health is at risk and I feel like a hypocrite if I do not step up to the challenges I give each of my students / patients.
So here goes...I am addicted to sugars and fats...They give me pleasure which, as stated above, is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I recently read a book which I found very useful on this path - Suicide by Sugar in which the author quotes research showing sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It sure feels that way to me.
In October of 2010, I went on a week long retreat at Magnolia Grove Monastery to listen to the profound wisdom of my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay). After a couple of days without sugar, my body felt terrible, weakness, headaches, nausea, the shakes. It was very surprising to me. At the end of day three, I started feeling amazing. Bright, strong and full of energy. Part of it was the environment, vegetarian cooking and deep meditations but I can not ignore how profound my cravings for sugar were early in the week. As with any addict, it is easy to stay sober when you are isolated from the substance of choice. However, out here in the real world, sugars and fats are all around us. Out in plain sight as well as deeply hidden in the foods we eat.
There are several parts to this healing path -
I will be working to eliminate all forms of sugar from my diet and reducing fats.
I will be listening intently to the self talk and working to heal the words, replacing them with my new core beliefs.
I will seek outside support for my goals from family, friends and strangers to help me along this path for we never do anything, truly on our own.
I will use the training principles I have been given in my training to deepen my physical, mental and emotional commitment to myself and my students.
I am committing to write an entry every Friday throughout 2013 to document my progress.
This will be a work in progress but today is as good a day as any to start my journey.
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