I am getting to this later than I had hoped but such is life. This morning I weighed in at 199.7 pounds. At this rate, I will reach my goal weight of 185 lbs. in less than three months.
One of my favorite mantras is "TRUST - ALLOW - BE THANKFUL" ~ Dr. Alan Chen
TRUST that everything is unfolding as it needs to, in your best interest
ALLOW things to unfold before you in their own time
BE THANKFUL for every step and lesson along the way
This week began very well with me leaving for Albuquerque NM to attend a weekend of Board meetings with my colleagues on the National Qigong Association Board of Directors. For me, the big challenge when traveling has always been sticking to a healthy diet. Restaurants are notorious for serving rich, oversized portions and offering intense dessert options. Not long ago I would have fallen prey to my "I deserve this" self talk and would have come home having added at least two of three pounds to my morning weigh in. I am pleased to say, not this time.
Over the past month, my observations regarding self talk, triggers and patterns has really helped me to become more aware. That awareness has helped to shift my behaviors from "unconscious habit" to conscious choices and WOW what a difference! I found myself easily moving past bad choices on the menu and finding the best choices for my continued success, and it did not feel like sacrifice, at all. In addition, when I made a choice which was a bit less healthy, I allowed that to be a conscious choice and therefore did not have the guilt and self loathing attached to it I am so used to feeling. I even had a very nice chocolate tort (flourless cake) with a creme brûlée layer on top for dessert on Saturday night. This was topping off a nice grilled salmon caesar salad. No guilt. This is very new territory for me.
On the walk back to the hotel I listened to what I was telling myself about the meal I had just enjoyed. Yes, there was some doubt that I had made a good choice but over all I allowed myself that treat without the baggage.
Now, once I got home, things were a bit different. We began a new series of Qigong Principle Training at the Dallas VA on Tuesday and I was feeling lees than prepared. In short, my "less than" and "not good enough" self talk was on full volume. Being pulled in many directions, I find myself lacking time to work on the tools for that program which leaves me feeling frustrated and fatalistic. This leads me to being tired, then when I do have time, I sometimes lack the motivation to step into what I know have to (and truly want to) do. This is where some of my positive self talk comes in to save the day. "I can do this" / "one step at a time" / "it will get done" are all things I hear in my head, especially when I am feeling really beat down. Sometimes "whats the use" wins, but not for long. For you see, even with all the difficulty I have faced in my life, I am still here. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I married one too.
Even still, the fighter in me allowed my anger to crop up this week and my pain levels have been higher than usual. This is a familiar, albeit uncomfortable, pattern. I tried to sit with my breath and listen to my anger, working to identify where it was coming from but at times it was clouded over and unclear. This simply shows me that there are parts inside me which still need me to listen with an open mind and compassionate heart. There was a time where my ego would get really angry at the thought that I was not "done" with my anger but I know realize I am, and will continue to be a "work in progress".
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