The past couple of week have been a bit overwhelming and I fell off the wagon, hard. I have fallen back into old patterns of self talk and behaviors which I clearly know do not serve me. I have been drinking alcohol (not to excess) but enough to feel it, drinking lots of coffee and consequently, eating lots of sugar. As a result, I am in a lot of physical pain and feeling defeated. I am now up to 201 pounds and the goals I set at the beginning of this year feel out of reach.
As I process what happened, If find that the week leading up to Galen's Bar Mitzvah was particularly stressful with lots of last minutes preparations, frustrations and rushing around. The day itself was amazing, Galen did a beautiful job and we had many friends and family around to share the event and love with us. I found myself teetering between staying focused on my goals and letting go with the excuse of the "special occasion". The latter won.
During the next week, while in this already emotionally weakened state, I learned that Aaron, a 20 year old boy I had been working with in hospital, had died. While I could not have seen it coming and was helpless to stop it, his death hit me hard. So young, yet so lost. I thought about my boys and fear for their futures began to infiltrate my thoughts. I reached for comfort in the thing that weakens me, sugar.
As I sit and write this morning, I have a migraine, my right shoulder and arm are weak and painful, my mid back is very tight and my foundation (back, hips, knees, feet) are all painful and unhappy. My emotions are low and I feel I have nothing left in the tank.
As I sit back, take a few deep breaths and clear my mind, I am realizing that these thoughts and emotions are all temporary and well within my control. Today is a new day and an opportunity to reframe my goals. I know when I am moving towards my goals I feel light, clear and strong. I know I do not want to be in pain. So, instead of using the past two weeks as a tool for self deprecation, I am choosing to use it as a learning experience on this journey. The more I learn, the less likely I will be surprised and fall victim, in this manner again.
Now, I see how easy it is to loose sight of my goals and fall back into old patterns. Now, I see how life can take quick, surprising turns and lead me down dark alleys. Now, I see how much physical pain is directly associated with my diet and emotional state.
And now, I see how opening my eyes, being honest, caring and willing to accept my own short comings can free me from my harmful patterns.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The power of stress...
Today I weighed in at 200 lbs. When I saw that number on my scale, the first feeling I had was one of utter defeat. I immediately heard a powerful old self talk come out as "what's the use." Man, what a difference a week makes. Last week I was feeling really strong, making progress and moving forward, one little setback and whammo, the patterns return.
As I look back for some idea of what happened I notice that my stress level has been quite high this week. We started the next series of VA Programs, I am behind schedule on the workbooks, DVDs, Galen's Bar Mitzvah, home maintenance, house cleaning, family responsibilities and so much more. There are pressures coming at me from what feels like every direction possible in my life. I have been sleeping less, feeling more pain in my body and craving coffee and subsequently, sugar.
We teach our students about the holistic approach to the healing process and the fact that the three levels of human existence - Physical - Mental and Emotional depend upon each other for support and can affect each other negatively as well. We encourage students to listen to these three levels intently and recognize how they correlate to each other. With this knowledge, one can take active control over much of your life. I may not be able to relieve myself of all pain from a chronic injury but I can certainly reduce my pain symptoms by altering how I think and feel about the pain and related circumstances. It starts with stress...
What we feel as stress begins with a stimulation of the sympathetic side of the autonomic nervous system. Or more commonly called, the fight or flight mechanism. When the stress response is triggered, many systems jump into action with the elevation of heart rate, breathing rate, blood pressure, mental acuity... while some fall back to allow more room for the necessary response, most notably, digestion. So the more stressed out I feel, the harder it becomes for me to properly digest my food, leading to a myriad of digestive disorders such as ulcers, gastritis, colitis, irritable bowl syndrome, migraines and much more. As my digestion slows, or in extreme cases shuts down, my ability to process food properly, diminishes thus causes more food to be stored instead of released. This is on top of the myriad of hormones released while under stress which lead to storage, rather than processing of, food.
I am clear that key for me on this journey will be to use my stress management strategies to allow my body to maintain a more balanced approach to processing food.
As I look back for some idea of what happened I notice that my stress level has been quite high this week. We started the next series of VA Programs, I am behind schedule on the workbooks, DVDs, Galen's Bar Mitzvah, home maintenance, house cleaning, family responsibilities and so much more. There are pressures coming at me from what feels like every direction possible in my life. I have been sleeping less, feeling more pain in my body and craving coffee and subsequently, sugar.
We teach our students about the holistic approach to the healing process and the fact that the three levels of human existence - Physical - Mental and Emotional depend upon each other for support and can affect each other negatively as well. We encourage students to listen to these three levels intently and recognize how they correlate to each other. With this knowledge, one can take active control over much of your life. I may not be able to relieve myself of all pain from a chronic injury but I can certainly reduce my pain symptoms by altering how I think and feel about the pain and related circumstances. It starts with stress...
What we feel as stress begins with a stimulation of the sympathetic side of the autonomic nervous system. Or more commonly called, the fight or flight mechanism. When the stress response is triggered, many systems jump into action with the elevation of heart rate, breathing rate, blood pressure, mental acuity... while some fall back to allow more room for the necessary response, most notably, digestion. So the more stressed out I feel, the harder it becomes for me to properly digest my food, leading to a myriad of digestive disorders such as ulcers, gastritis, colitis, irritable bowl syndrome, migraines and much more. As my digestion slows, or in extreme cases shuts down, my ability to process food properly, diminishes thus causes more food to be stored instead of released. This is on top of the myriad of hormones released while under stress which lead to storage, rather than processing of, food.
I am clear that key for me on this journey will be to use my stress management strategies to allow my body to maintain a more balanced approach to processing food.
Friday, February 1, 2013
A week full of opportunities...
I am getting to this later than I had hoped but such is life. This morning I weighed in at 199.7 pounds. At this rate, I will reach my goal weight of 185 lbs. in less than three months.
One of my favorite mantras is "TRUST - ALLOW - BE THANKFUL" ~ Dr. Alan Chen
TRUST that everything is unfolding as it needs to, in your best interest
ALLOW things to unfold before you in their own time
BE THANKFUL for every step and lesson along the way
This week began very well with me leaving for Albuquerque NM to attend a weekend of Board meetings with my colleagues on the National Qigong Association Board of Directors. For me, the big challenge when traveling has always been sticking to a healthy diet. Restaurants are notorious for serving rich, oversized portions and offering intense dessert options. Not long ago I would have fallen prey to my "I deserve this" self talk and would have come home having added at least two of three pounds to my morning weigh in. I am pleased to say, not this time.
Over the past month, my observations regarding self talk, triggers and patterns has really helped me to become more aware. That awareness has helped to shift my behaviors from "unconscious habit" to conscious choices and WOW what a difference! I found myself easily moving past bad choices on the menu and finding the best choices for my continued success, and it did not feel like sacrifice, at all. In addition, when I made a choice which was a bit less healthy, I allowed that to be a conscious choice and therefore did not have the guilt and self loathing attached to it I am so used to feeling. I even had a very nice chocolate tort (flourless cake) with a creme brûlée layer on top for dessert on Saturday night. This was topping off a nice grilled salmon caesar salad. No guilt. This is very new territory for me.
On the walk back to the hotel I listened to what I was telling myself about the meal I had just enjoyed. Yes, there was some doubt that I had made a good choice but over all I allowed myself that treat without the baggage.
Now, once I got home, things were a bit different. We began a new series of Qigong Principle Training at the Dallas VA on Tuesday and I was feeling lees than prepared. In short, my "less than" and "not good enough" self talk was on full volume. Being pulled in many directions, I find myself lacking time to work on the tools for that program which leaves me feeling frustrated and fatalistic. This leads me to being tired, then when I do have time, I sometimes lack the motivation to step into what I know have to (and truly want to) do. This is where some of my positive self talk comes in to save the day. "I can do this" / "one step at a time" / "it will get done" are all things I hear in my head, especially when I am feeling really beat down. Sometimes "whats the use" wins, but not for long. For you see, even with all the difficulty I have faced in my life, I am still here. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I married one too.
Even still, the fighter in me allowed my anger to crop up this week and my pain levels have been higher than usual. This is a familiar, albeit uncomfortable, pattern. I tried to sit with my breath and listen to my anger, working to identify where it was coming from but at times it was clouded over and unclear. This simply shows me that there are parts inside me which still need me to listen with an open mind and compassionate heart. There was a time where my ego would get really angry at the thought that I was not "done" with my anger but I know realize I am, and will continue to be a "work in progress".
One of my favorite mantras is "TRUST - ALLOW - BE THANKFUL" ~ Dr. Alan Chen
TRUST that everything is unfolding as it needs to, in your best interest
ALLOW things to unfold before you in their own time
BE THANKFUL for every step and lesson along the way
This week began very well with me leaving for Albuquerque NM to attend a weekend of Board meetings with my colleagues on the National Qigong Association Board of Directors. For me, the big challenge when traveling has always been sticking to a healthy diet. Restaurants are notorious for serving rich, oversized portions and offering intense dessert options. Not long ago I would have fallen prey to my "I deserve this" self talk and would have come home having added at least two of three pounds to my morning weigh in. I am pleased to say, not this time.
Over the past month, my observations regarding self talk, triggers and patterns has really helped me to become more aware. That awareness has helped to shift my behaviors from "unconscious habit" to conscious choices and WOW what a difference! I found myself easily moving past bad choices on the menu and finding the best choices for my continued success, and it did not feel like sacrifice, at all. In addition, when I made a choice which was a bit less healthy, I allowed that to be a conscious choice and therefore did not have the guilt and self loathing attached to it I am so used to feeling. I even had a very nice chocolate tort (flourless cake) with a creme brûlée layer on top for dessert on Saturday night. This was topping off a nice grilled salmon caesar salad. No guilt. This is very new territory for me.
On the walk back to the hotel I listened to what I was telling myself about the meal I had just enjoyed. Yes, there was some doubt that I had made a good choice but over all I allowed myself that treat without the baggage.
Now, once I got home, things were a bit different. We began a new series of Qigong Principle Training at the Dallas VA on Tuesday and I was feeling lees than prepared. In short, my "less than" and "not good enough" self talk was on full volume. Being pulled in many directions, I find myself lacking time to work on the tools for that program which leaves me feeling frustrated and fatalistic. This leads me to being tired, then when I do have time, I sometimes lack the motivation to step into what I know have to (and truly want to) do. This is where some of my positive self talk comes in to save the day. "I can do this" / "one step at a time" / "it will get done" are all things I hear in my head, especially when I am feeling really beat down. Sometimes "whats the use" wins, but not for long. For you see, even with all the difficulty I have faced in my life, I am still here. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I married one too.
Even still, the fighter in me allowed my anger to crop up this week and my pain levels have been higher than usual. This is a familiar, albeit uncomfortable, pattern. I tried to sit with my breath and listen to my anger, working to identify where it was coming from but at times it was clouded over and unclear. This simply shows me that there are parts inside me which still need me to listen with an open mind and compassionate heart. There was a time where my ego would get really angry at the thought that I was not "done" with my anger but I know realize I am, and will continue to be a "work in progress".
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