Happy? New Year 2013

As I sit and read my last entry, I am realizing I have so many things going on in my life right now. Over the past year I have strived to live the words I wrote in December 2011 but I know I have fallen short at times. Does this make me a bad person? I think it makes me an average mortal. We strive, we try, we fail, we strive we try, we succeed, we strive, we try we fail and so on...The key is that we learn with each step we take. The learning is where I have fallen down maybe more than most for you see, I am an addict. I am addicted to pleasure and its many forms.

In Daoist Tradition, this is the year of the Water Snake, my year to step up. To honor myself, my many teachers and the path I have been given to walk in this life.

I ask my students to move into discomfort, and often say that the places where we are most uncomfortable offer the most power to heal. Well, there is nothing more uncomfortable to me, right now than the words I am about to share on this page. I feel my heart energy stirring so I know I am in the right place, for me to begin healing on a deeper level. I am and Addict.

For most of my adult life, I was addicted to sex as a means of proving myself worthy of love. Meaning if I was sharing sex with a woman, I was loving and loved. It took many years and painful processing for me to realize how wrong I was. Sex has nothing to do with love, but deep love can lead to wonderful sex. I struggled with the confused picture of sex I was given as an 11/12 year old Boy Scout, by a Scout Leader who was also very confused about what love was. It took me many years to move the profound confusion, anger and hatred I had for him into a place of compassion. Not forgiveness, just compassion for the hardships he must have endured to grow up so confused. I do not wish to mislead anyone into thinking that I have forgotten what happened, that is not the case. if I close my eyes, I can still go there, but what i feel now is very different. Having come to peace with this time in my life has been about finding the gifts I have been given during that difficult time.

1) I am a very loving, active father to our three boys. I have learned to show them what self respect and honesty can bring to their hearts. They are all three, active Scouts and strong, kind, loving young men.

2) As a husband, I have learned the meaning of true love. And that the physical act of sex is a very small fraction of what true love is about. This is still a work in progress for me as my physical desires are still strong and confusion returns at times of pain and emotional weakness.

3) As a Recreational Therapist, I spend time each week with people who are struggling to make sense of their personal traumas. My having sat in their shoes (often to a lesser degree) has given me the ability to empathize with them, earn their respect, and share some of the tools I have used on my personal healing path.

I am an Addict.
Sugar and fats have been a big part of my life as far back as I can remember. There were many painful times in my childhood and there are several food groups which give me comfort and pleasure. The words "I deserve this" are often playing in the back of my mind when I reach for something I know is not healthy and will add to my growing waistline. At 206 pounds, I am heavier today than I have ever been in my life.

When working with addiction, I tell patients to face their feelings and listen to the self talk to gain insights into why the "drug of choice" is in their lives. What keeps you going back for more?
This is going to be my forum for learning this piece of myself. I am making it public because I have been struggling with this too long in private. My health is at risk and I feel like a hypocrite if I do not step up to the challenges I give each of my students / patients.

So here goes...I am addicted to sugars and fats...They give me pleasure which, as stated above, is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I recently read a book which I found very useful on this path - Suicide by Sugar in which the author quotes research showing sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It sure feels that way to me.

In October of 2010, I went on a week long retreat at Magnolia Grove Monastery to listen to the profound wisdom of my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay). After a couple of days without sugar, my body felt terrible, weakness, headaches, nausea, the shakes. It was very surprising to me. At the end of day three, I started feeling amazing. Bright, strong and full of energy. Part of it was the environment, vegetarian cooking and deep meditations but I can not ignore how profound my cravings for sugar were early in the week. As with any addict, it is easy to stay sober when you are isolated from the substance of choice. However, out here in the real world, sugars and fats are all around us. Out in plain sight as well as deeply hidden in the foods we eat.

There are several parts to this healing path -
I will be working to eliminate all forms of sugar from my diet and reducing fats.
I will be listening intently to the self talk and working to heal the words, replacing them with my new core beliefs.
I will seek outside support for my goals from family, friends and strangers to help me along this path for we never do anything, truly on our own.
I will use the training principles I have been given in my training to deepen my physical, mental and emotional commitment to myself and my students.
I am committing to write an entry every Friday throughout 2013 to document my progress.


This will be a work in progress but today is as good a day as any to start my journey.