Dealing with temptations...

Today, I am at 200 pounds. I have not seen that number on my scale in almost 2 years. Last Friday I was at 201, then Friday night I had the very rare opportunity to take Kamin out for a "Daddy and Me" dinner. We started out for a nice Chinese Buffet near our home but it was so crowded we decided to go to a small German restaurant near by instead. In typical German style, the food was delicious and abundant. Looking back I ate at least twice what I normally eat in one sitting. The next morning I was up to 203! Yikes! Wrong way...

Immediately after the meal, feeling stuffed, and cloudy I noticed a sense of guilt starting to creep in, and the sadness I have so long associated with "failures" in my life. This is not a comfortable place, anymore. Recognizing the pattern of failure feeding guilt, then using the self talk "Whats the use" to fall back into old habits, I sat back listened, breathed deep and gave myself the opportunity to learn from the experience instead.

I learned that guilt is a significant trigger for me. I fail to hold up to my own (or others) expectations and whammo, I give up on myself. As I mentioned before, once the trigger / pattern has been identified, it loses its ability to control, without conscious permission. I recently found a wonderful quote for this particular point -

"If you're tired of starting over, then stop giving up"

I have been limiting myself to one cup of coffee but this week, after about an hour of consideration, I allowed myself two. No sugar, just a bit of milk. I allowed that to be ok and worked to notice if I felt or thought any differently during the day. Without the guilt, nothing really came up.

This process continues to be a fruitful exploration of self and how I align myself thorough thoughts and actions. Triggers, patterns and opportunities to "Cheat" abound in a house full of children and responsibilities.

This week, I gave myself permission to be less than perfect.