The past couple of week have been a bit overwhelming and I fell off the wagon, hard. I have fallen back into old patterns of self talk and behaviors which I clearly know do not serve me. I have been drinking alcohol (not to excess) but enough to feel it, drinking lots of coffee and consequently, eating lots of sugar. As a result, I am in a lot of physical pain and feeling defeated. I am now up to 201 pounds and the goals I set at the beginning of this year feel out of reach.
As I process what happened, If find that the week leading up to Galen's Bar Mitzvah was particularly stressful with lots of last minutes preparations, frustrations and rushing around. The day itself was amazing, Galen did a beautiful job and we had many friends and family around to share the event and love with us. I found myself teetering between staying focused on my goals and letting go with the excuse of the "special occasion". The latter won.
During the next week, while in this already emotionally weakened state, I learned that Aaron, a 20 year old boy I had been working with in hospital, had died. While I could not have seen it coming and was helpless to stop it, his death hit me hard. So young, yet so lost. I thought about my boys and fear for their futures began to infiltrate my thoughts. I reached for comfort in the thing that weakens me, sugar.
As I sit and write this morning, I have a migraine, my right shoulder and arm are weak and painful, my mid back is very tight and my foundation (back, hips, knees, feet) are all painful and unhappy. My emotions are low and I feel I have nothing left in the tank.
As I sit back, take a few deep breaths and clear my mind, I am realizing that these thoughts and emotions are all temporary and well within my control. Today is a new day and an opportunity to reframe my goals. I know when I am moving towards my goals I feel light, clear and strong. I know I do not want to be in pain. So, instead of using the past two weeks as a tool for self deprecation, I am choosing to use it as a learning experience on this journey. The more I learn, the less likely I will be surprised and fall victim, in this manner again.
Now, I see how easy it is to loose sight of my goals and fall back into old patterns. Now, I see how life can take quick, surprising turns and lead me down dark alleys. Now, I see how much physical pain is directly associated with my diet and emotional state.
And now, I see how opening my eyes, being honest, caring and willing to accept my own short comings can free me from my harmful patterns.
2 comments:
As I read this if referance with the date of the entry, I am astonished and humbled. The cause for this strong emotional response in me is due to the fact that my inner conflict with alcohol, my self and my family were reaching critical mass. I was deep in self pity, falling victim to my anger and giving in freely to the booze. Three days later I would be admitted to a 30-40 day intensive inpatient program that would change my life. Part of that therapy would include mandatory participation in a Qigong class taught by you that, even though limited on time, would be one of the largest contributing factors in my reovery.
I think to myself now about that time you write about here and I am in reverence to massive anount of strain and incredible strength you were subject to. Yet every class I attended of yours was so calming and bennificial for me. How you were able to separate the events of your life from your work is beyond me, however, because of this, I work toward a goal that will work Qigong into a regular part of my daily life. Thank you and your family for YOUR sacrifices.
Sincerly, Matt Trebilcock
Matt, I lot has happened since you sent your comment and I am sorry it took me so long to find it. Your words touch my heart deeply and I can not thank you enough for sharing of yourself with me as well.
Qigong has been a powerful healing tool for me and I have translated much of that into my Training Mindfully with Qigong Principles Workbook. You have my word that once the DVD is completed, you will be getting your copy of both sent out.
With any luck at all, I can delivery them in person.
I hope this note finds you well and thank you again for the love.
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