Today, I am at 200 pounds. I have not seen that number on my scale in almost 2 years. Last Friday I was at 201, then Friday night I had the very rare opportunity to take Kamin out for a "Daddy and Me" dinner. We started out for a nice Chinese Buffet near our home but it was so crowded we decided to go to a small German restaurant near by instead. In typical German style, the food was delicious and abundant. Looking back I ate at least twice what I normally eat in one sitting. The next morning I was up to 203! Yikes! Wrong way...
Immediately after the meal, feeling stuffed, and cloudy I noticed a sense of guilt starting to creep in, and the sadness I have so long associated with "failures" in my life. This is not a comfortable place, anymore. Recognizing the pattern of failure feeding guilt, then using the self talk "Whats the use" to fall back into old habits, I sat back listened, breathed deep and gave myself the opportunity to learn from the experience instead.
I learned that guilt is a significant trigger for me. I fail to hold up to my own (or others) expectations and whammo, I give up on myself. As I mentioned before, once the trigger / pattern has been identified, it loses its ability to control, without conscious permission. I recently found a wonderful quote for this particular point -
"If you're tired of starting over, then stop giving up"
I have been limiting myself to one cup of coffee but this week, after about an hour of consideration, I allowed myself two. No sugar, just a bit of milk. I allowed that to be ok and worked to notice if I felt or thought any differently during the day. Without the guilt, nothing really came up.
This process continues to be a fruitful exploration of self and how I align myself thorough thoughts and actions. Triggers, patterns and opportunities to "Cheat" abound in a house full of children and responsibilities.
This week, I gave myself permission to be less than perfect.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
The cravings are getting easier to manage.
Today I am at 201 lbs. I am finding managing the cravings for sweets to be much easier, especially as I see / feel the results of my progress. My knees hurt less, I have more energy and I am more alert. I have noticed some important things this week related to my cravings and patterns.
December 2012, I personally feel, was the peak of my depression, resentment and self deprecation. As I gain distance from that time, I am starting to see how powerful my addiction has been and the pattern I have been trapped in for so long. I know I am just getting started and I have more to do on this life long change but I am more confident in my potential for success than I have ever been in my life. I have more tools at my disposal and a strong, loving support system, which includes readers of this Blog.
Taking some terminology from psychotherapy, triggers are typically external stimulations which cause an internal response. These can be certain people, places, actions, sights, smells and sounds. Think Pavlov's Dog, he hears a bell and begins to salivate. I eat a meal and begin to crave dessert. I have a coffee and begin to crave a cookie or chocolate. I feel stressed, I begin to seek out sexual pleasure as a form of relief. The foods or even sex are not the problem here, it is the manner in which I am using them that is at issue. It is not coming from a healthy place, a habitual reaction not a choice. When I give in to a trigger, I am simply relieving a habitual pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Reaction -> Result...
Drink coffee -> Crave Chocolate -> Eat Chocolate -> Feel good then later feel guilt or shame for giving in to the trigger. Coupled with self deprecation when looking in the mirror. This adds to my stress which then adds to my trigger and here I go again.
The Qigong Principle of Listening has become one of my best friends on this journey. It has allowed me to notice when the triggers are activated and proactively choose a different reaction. So here is the pattern I am working on now. When a trigger comes up, I notice it and determine where it is coming from; am I feeling stress, am I reacting out of habit (IE after meal dessert); I sit with the feeling as long as is necessary to gain understanding of its origin. Once I understand it, I choose to accept it or reject it and allow EITHER decision to be ok. So here is the new pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Listen -> Conscious Choice -> Acceptance -> Result...
Here is an example from this week - Fayne and I had the opportunity for a date night after a long afternoon in the sound booth recording voiceovers for our new Training DVD. I took her to The Afgan Grill in North Dallas. When I got to the restaurant I was already plotting my path through the meal, craving Baklava and Turkish Coffee. I ordered a Vegetarian dish partly to save some "caloric room" for these amazing treats. We had water with the meal but it was very cold outside and I wanted something warm to drink - TURKISH COFFEE! I knew this would further trigger/ enhance my desire for dessert so I waited to order it. I ate slowly, and about half way through my plate, I ordered hot tea instead. Much to my surprise and pleasure, they make an amazing Cardamon Tea. (My new favorite) I still had the cravings but I was sitting with them, enjoying the meal and our conversation. By the end, I had let go of the cravings and even better yet, felt no remorse for the decision. I did not feel deprived and depressed which has historically been one of the main reasons for my past failed attempts at change.
In the end, using Listening Energy to identify my triggers and recognize the habitual patterns has allowed me to make conscious choices which serve my best, long term interest. As I see and feel positive results on this journey, the cravings are not nearly as strong, and they have become much shorter in length.
Thank you for listening.
December 2012, I personally feel, was the peak of my depression, resentment and self deprecation. As I gain distance from that time, I am starting to see how powerful my addiction has been and the pattern I have been trapped in for so long. I know I am just getting started and I have more to do on this life long change but I am more confident in my potential for success than I have ever been in my life. I have more tools at my disposal and a strong, loving support system, which includes readers of this Blog.
Taking some terminology from psychotherapy, triggers are typically external stimulations which cause an internal response. These can be certain people, places, actions, sights, smells and sounds. Think Pavlov's Dog, he hears a bell and begins to salivate. I eat a meal and begin to crave dessert. I have a coffee and begin to crave a cookie or chocolate. I feel stressed, I begin to seek out sexual pleasure as a form of relief. The foods or even sex are not the problem here, it is the manner in which I am using them that is at issue. It is not coming from a healthy place, a habitual reaction not a choice. When I give in to a trigger, I am simply relieving a habitual pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Reaction -> Result...
Drink coffee -> Crave Chocolate -> Eat Chocolate -> Feel good then later feel guilt or shame for giving in to the trigger. Coupled with self deprecation when looking in the mirror. This adds to my stress which then adds to my trigger and here I go again.
The Qigong Principle of Listening has become one of my best friends on this journey. It has allowed me to notice when the triggers are activated and proactively choose a different reaction. So here is the pattern I am working on now. When a trigger comes up, I notice it and determine where it is coming from; am I feeling stress, am I reacting out of habit (IE after meal dessert); I sit with the feeling as long as is necessary to gain understanding of its origin. Once I understand it, I choose to accept it or reject it and allow EITHER decision to be ok. So here is the new pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Listen -> Conscious Choice -> Acceptance -> Result...
Here is an example from this week - Fayne and I had the opportunity for a date night after a long afternoon in the sound booth recording voiceovers for our new Training DVD. I took her to The Afgan Grill in North Dallas. When I got to the restaurant I was already plotting my path through the meal, craving Baklava and Turkish Coffee. I ordered a Vegetarian dish partly to save some "caloric room" for these amazing treats. We had water with the meal but it was very cold outside and I wanted something warm to drink - TURKISH COFFEE! I knew this would further trigger/ enhance my desire for dessert so I waited to order it. I ate slowly, and about half way through my plate, I ordered hot tea instead. Much to my surprise and pleasure, they make an amazing Cardamon Tea. (My new favorite) I still had the cravings but I was sitting with them, enjoying the meal and our conversation. By the end, I had let go of the cravings and even better yet, felt no remorse for the decision. I did not feel deprived and depressed which has historically been one of the main reasons for my past failed attempts at change.
In the end, using Listening Energy to identify my triggers and recognize the habitual patterns has allowed me to make conscious choices which serve my best, long term interest. As I see and feel positive results on this journey, the cravings are not nearly as strong, and they have become much shorter in length.
Thank you for listening.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Sinking Energy...Letting go
This week I weighed in at 204. Down two pounds. My mind feels brighter and I am finding I have more energy. I started back to teaching, after our year end break, which brings about a new selection of challenges. Mondays, I eat snacks in the car, driving between classes. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I typically eat out, using the down time to read and write. As we all know eating well in a restaurant can be a challenge, between calories, portion sizes and other temptations. This is where Sinking Energy can come into play.
Sinking Energy, on a physical level, is about letting go of unnecessary muscles. Allowing my structural alignment (bones) to bear the majority of the load and my muscles to move the load from place to place, in proper alignment. On a mental level, Sinking Energy becomes about letting go of thoughts which do not serve me. "its just one treat", "I deserve this" and "I don't care" are three big ones for me, especially when I am looking at things that do not support my long term health goals.
Taking a step back, before I could make a conscious choice to move past these "self talk" messages, I first had to hear them clearly, acknowledge that they at one point may have served me but are now in my way. Here is a typical example form my week - I am feeling "snackie" and head to the pantry. Nutella! I can smell it, remember how it tastes and want some. Then I hear, "but you shouldn't". Then, but I have been so good, I swam 2000 meters on Thursday - "I deserve this". If I am able to resist further, then I hear, "I don't care". Even though a part of me knows I really do care. Especially when my pants are too tight and I feel foggy and tired after the fact.
In my work with addictions, I have learned that the typical "physical need" once triggered, lasts only about 20 minutes. After that it is a mental game. So one strategy I am implementing on this journey is to sit with the craving and self talk for 20 minutes before I make a final decision on the "treat". This does not mean sitting in meditation, although that can be very good if the craving is strong. It simply means to spend time listening to the craving. I find that doing something else while I am actively listening to the craving helps distract. With this practice, I am finding that after about 15 minutes, the internal drive for the treat is basically gone. And if, after waiting, I choose to have the treat then I eat it slowly, allowing myself to enjoy every morsel, guilt free. That is the deal. Obviously if the addiction is deadly, such as with narcotics, leaving the guilt free sampling out is critical to long term success.
I found a saying that I have posted on my wall next to my desk which is helping me with letting go of these thoughts that no longer serve my best interests.
"Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW, and what you want MOST." Perfect.
Sinking Energy, on a physical level, is about letting go of unnecessary muscles. Allowing my structural alignment (bones) to bear the majority of the load and my muscles to move the load from place to place, in proper alignment. On a mental level, Sinking Energy becomes about letting go of thoughts which do not serve me. "its just one treat", "I deserve this" and "I don't care" are three big ones for me, especially when I am looking at things that do not support my long term health goals.
Taking a step back, before I could make a conscious choice to move past these "self talk" messages, I first had to hear them clearly, acknowledge that they at one point may have served me but are now in my way. Here is a typical example form my week - I am feeling "snackie" and head to the pantry. Nutella! I can smell it, remember how it tastes and want some. Then I hear, "but you shouldn't". Then, but I have been so good, I swam 2000 meters on Thursday - "I deserve this". If I am able to resist further, then I hear, "I don't care". Even though a part of me knows I really do care. Especially when my pants are too tight and I feel foggy and tired after the fact.
In my work with addictions, I have learned that the typical "physical need" once triggered, lasts only about 20 minutes. After that it is a mental game. So one strategy I am implementing on this journey is to sit with the craving and self talk for 20 minutes before I make a final decision on the "treat". This does not mean sitting in meditation, although that can be very good if the craving is strong. It simply means to spend time listening to the craving. I find that doing something else while I am actively listening to the craving helps distract. With this practice, I am finding that after about 15 minutes, the internal drive for the treat is basically gone. And if, after waiting, I choose to have the treat then I eat it slowly, allowing myself to enjoy every morsel, guilt free. That is the deal. Obviously if the addiction is deadly, such as with narcotics, leaving the guilt free sampling out is critical to long term success.
I found a saying that I have posted on my wall next to my desk which is helping me with letting go of these thoughts that no longer serve my best interests.
"Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW, and what you want MOST." Perfect.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Exploring Qigong Principles from the inside out...
Like water always seeking to be level, we are all simply seeking balance in our lives. If we are hot, we want to cool down; cold, warm up; hungry, eat; tired, sleep. In pain, get out of pain and so on. There is a delicate, intricate balance of chemicals in our bodies which is always simply seeking to be in balance.
As I continue this journey of internal change, the principle of "Listening" is a wonderful tool to dig deep into who I am, right now. Here are some examples from this week.
I love coffee. I would consider it a comfort food for me. It is not about the caffeine, it is about the smell, the taste (with cream and sugar) and the warmth I get from drinking it. I am going without for now because I have learned that it is a trigger for my sugar cravings. Yes, I drink it with sugar but even when I don't, the craving is still there although, not as strong. So, until I can learn to moderate, I will stay away from that trigger of temptation.
Also, I am noticing that at certain times of the day I am REALLY craving sweets and as I look back at my habits, I begin to see how the pattern plays out. We usually finish dinner around 7 or 8 pm and by 10 pm I am finding myself hungry for a snack. This leads me down the road of wanting to fill that void before going to bed. I hear a persistent self talk of "don't go to bed hungry". I found myself pacing around last night trying to talk myself out of a snack and then trying to find a healthy snack that I felt would satisfy my pattern and self talk. I tried a few pine nuts, and a small oatmeal cookie (gluten free, sugar free, taste free). No dice. I still had this savory - sweet craving that I thought only a Payday candy bar could fill. I ended up out on the back porch, sitting in meditation with a glass of water and the cold night air, listening. While I sat in a Dan Tien Breathing meditation, listening to the craving, the pattern and the desire slowly drifted out of my body. I stayed up for a while more but the craving had left me.
I can see that the principle of listening will serve me very well on this journey.
As I continue this journey of internal change, the principle of "Listening" is a wonderful tool to dig deep into who I am, right now. Here are some examples from this week.
I love coffee. I would consider it a comfort food for me. It is not about the caffeine, it is about the smell, the taste (with cream and sugar) and the warmth I get from drinking it. I am going without for now because I have learned that it is a trigger for my sugar cravings. Yes, I drink it with sugar but even when I don't, the craving is still there although, not as strong. So, until I can learn to moderate, I will stay away from that trigger of temptation.
Also, I am noticing that at certain times of the day I am REALLY craving sweets and as I look back at my habits, I begin to see how the pattern plays out. We usually finish dinner around 7 or 8 pm and by 10 pm I am finding myself hungry for a snack. This leads me down the road of wanting to fill that void before going to bed. I hear a persistent self talk of "don't go to bed hungry". I found myself pacing around last night trying to talk myself out of a snack and then trying to find a healthy snack that I felt would satisfy my pattern and self talk. I tried a few pine nuts, and a small oatmeal cookie (gluten free, sugar free, taste free). No dice. I still had this savory - sweet craving that I thought only a Payday candy bar could fill. I ended up out on the back porch, sitting in meditation with a glass of water and the cold night air, listening. While I sat in a Dan Tien Breathing meditation, listening to the craving, the pattern and the desire slowly drifted out of my body. I stayed up for a while more but the craving had left me.
I can see that the principle of listening will serve me very well on this journey.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy? New Year 2013
As I sit and read my last entry, I am realizing I have so many things going on in my life right now. Over the past year I have strived to live the words I wrote in December 2011 but I know I have fallen short at times. Does this make me a bad person? I think it makes me an average mortal. We strive, we try, we fail, we strive we try, we succeed, we strive, we try we fail and so on...The key is that we learn with each step we take. The learning is where I have fallen down maybe more than most for you see, I am an addict. I am addicted to pleasure and its many forms.
In Daoist Tradition, this is the year of the Water Snake, my year to step up. To honor myself, my many teachers and the path I have been given to walk in this life.
I ask my students to move into discomfort, and often say that the places where we are most uncomfortable offer the most power to heal. Well, there is nothing more uncomfortable to me, right now than the words I am about to share on this page. I feel my heart energy stirring so I know I am in the right place, for me to begin healing on a deeper level. I am and Addict.
For most of my adult life, I was addicted to sex as a means of proving myself worthy of love. Meaning if I was sharing sex with a woman, I was loving and loved. It took many years and painful processing for me to realize how wrong I was. Sex has nothing to do with love, but deep love can lead to wonderful sex. I struggled with the confused picture of sex I was given as an 11/12 year old Boy Scout, by a Scout Leader who was also very confused about what love was. It took me many years to move the profound confusion, anger and hatred I had for him into a place of compassion. Not forgiveness, just compassion for the hardships he must have endured to grow up so confused. I do not wish to mislead anyone into thinking that I have forgotten what happened, that is not the case. if I close my eyes, I can still go there, but what i feel now is very different. Having come to peace with this time in my life has been about finding the gifts I have been given during that difficult time.
1) I am a very loving, active father to our three boys. I have learned to show them what self respect and honesty can bring to their hearts. They are all three, active Scouts and strong, kind, loving young men.
2) As a husband, I have learned the meaning of true love. And that the physical act of sex is a very small fraction of what true love is about. This is still a work in progress for me as my physical desires are still strong and confusion returns at times of pain and emotional weakness.
3) As a Recreational Therapist, I spend time each week with people who are struggling to make sense of their personal traumas. My having sat in their shoes (often to a lesser degree) has given me the ability to empathize with them, earn their respect, and share some of the tools I have used on my personal healing path.
I am an Addict.
Sugar and fats have been a big part of my life as far back as I can remember. There were many painful times in my childhood and there are several food groups which give me comfort and pleasure. The words "I deserve this" are often playing in the back of my mind when I reach for something I know is not healthy and will add to my growing waistline. At 206 pounds, I am heavier today than I have ever been in my life.
When working with addiction, I tell patients to face their feelings and listen to the self talk to gain insights into why the "drug of choice" is in their lives. What keeps you going back for more?
This is going to be my forum for learning this piece of myself. I am making it public because I have been struggling with this too long in private. My health is at risk and I feel like a hypocrite if I do not step up to the challenges I give each of my students / patients.
So here goes...I am addicted to sugars and fats...They give me pleasure which, as stated above, is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I recently read a book which I found very useful on this path - Suicide by Sugar in which the author quotes research showing sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It sure feels that way to me.
In October of 2010, I went on a week long retreat at Magnolia Grove Monastery to listen to the profound wisdom of my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay). After a couple of days without sugar, my body felt terrible, weakness, headaches, nausea, the shakes. It was very surprising to me. At the end of day three, I started feeling amazing. Bright, strong and full of energy. Part of it was the environment, vegetarian cooking and deep meditations but I can not ignore how profound my cravings for sugar were early in the week. As with any addict, it is easy to stay sober when you are isolated from the substance of choice. However, out here in the real world, sugars and fats are all around us. Out in plain sight as well as deeply hidden in the foods we eat.
There are several parts to this healing path -
I will be working to eliminate all forms of sugar from my diet and reducing fats.
I will be listening intently to the self talk and working to heal the words, replacing them with my new core beliefs.
I will seek outside support for my goals from family, friends and strangers to help me along this path for we never do anything, truly on our own.
I will use the training principles I have been given in my training to deepen my physical, mental and emotional commitment to myself and my students.
I am committing to write an entry every Friday throughout 2013 to document my progress.
This will be a work in progress but today is as good a day as any to start my journey.
In Daoist Tradition, this is the year of the Water Snake, my year to step up. To honor myself, my many teachers and the path I have been given to walk in this life.
I ask my students to move into discomfort, and often say that the places where we are most uncomfortable offer the most power to heal. Well, there is nothing more uncomfortable to me, right now than the words I am about to share on this page. I feel my heart energy stirring so I know I am in the right place, for me to begin healing on a deeper level. I am and Addict.
For most of my adult life, I was addicted to sex as a means of proving myself worthy of love. Meaning if I was sharing sex with a woman, I was loving and loved. It took many years and painful processing for me to realize how wrong I was. Sex has nothing to do with love, but deep love can lead to wonderful sex. I struggled with the confused picture of sex I was given as an 11/12 year old Boy Scout, by a Scout Leader who was also very confused about what love was. It took me many years to move the profound confusion, anger and hatred I had for him into a place of compassion. Not forgiveness, just compassion for the hardships he must have endured to grow up so confused. I do not wish to mislead anyone into thinking that I have forgotten what happened, that is not the case. if I close my eyes, I can still go there, but what i feel now is very different. Having come to peace with this time in my life has been about finding the gifts I have been given during that difficult time.
1) I am a very loving, active father to our three boys. I have learned to show them what self respect and honesty can bring to their hearts. They are all three, active Scouts and strong, kind, loving young men.
2) As a husband, I have learned the meaning of true love. And that the physical act of sex is a very small fraction of what true love is about. This is still a work in progress for me as my physical desires are still strong and confusion returns at times of pain and emotional weakness.
3) As a Recreational Therapist, I spend time each week with people who are struggling to make sense of their personal traumas. My having sat in their shoes (often to a lesser degree) has given me the ability to empathize with them, earn their respect, and share some of the tools I have used on my personal healing path.
I am an Addict.
Sugar and fats have been a big part of my life as far back as I can remember. There were many painful times in my childhood and there are several food groups which give me comfort and pleasure. The words "I deserve this" are often playing in the back of my mind when I reach for something I know is not healthy and will add to my growing waistline. At 206 pounds, I am heavier today than I have ever been in my life.
When working with addiction, I tell patients to face their feelings and listen to the self talk to gain insights into why the "drug of choice" is in their lives. What keeps you going back for more?
This is going to be my forum for learning this piece of myself. I am making it public because I have been struggling with this too long in private. My health is at risk and I feel like a hypocrite if I do not step up to the challenges I give each of my students / patients.
So here goes...I am addicted to sugars and fats...They give me pleasure which, as stated above, is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I recently read a book which I found very useful on this path - Suicide by Sugar in which the author quotes research showing sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It sure feels that way to me.
In October of 2010, I went on a week long retreat at Magnolia Grove Monastery to listen to the profound wisdom of my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay). After a couple of days without sugar, my body felt terrible, weakness, headaches, nausea, the shakes. It was very surprising to me. At the end of day three, I started feeling amazing. Bright, strong and full of energy. Part of it was the environment, vegetarian cooking and deep meditations but I can not ignore how profound my cravings for sugar were early in the week. As with any addict, it is easy to stay sober when you are isolated from the substance of choice. However, out here in the real world, sugars and fats are all around us. Out in plain sight as well as deeply hidden in the foods we eat.
There are several parts to this healing path -
I will be working to eliminate all forms of sugar from my diet and reducing fats.
I will be listening intently to the self talk and working to heal the words, replacing them with my new core beliefs.
I will seek outside support for my goals from family, friends and strangers to help me along this path for we never do anything, truly on our own.
I will use the training principles I have been given in my training to deepen my physical, mental and emotional commitment to myself and my students.
I am committing to write an entry every Friday throughout 2013 to document my progress.
This will be a work in progress but today is as good a day as any to start my journey.
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