Sunday, January 19, 2014
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Testing my Ability to Smile...
Smiling Energy is the last principle we teach in our Training Mindfully with Qigong Principles Program, for a very good reason. Over the years I have learned that in order to have a genuine heart felt smile, and a deep sense of gratitude, all 7 of the other principles must be applied first. They do not have to be perfect but they do have to be a genuine, work in progress.
On July 28th, I had what would later become one of the best training exercises for Smiling Energy I have ever endured.
Having just finished several days at the National Qigong Association Conference, I was ready to drive to the airport and fly home. A couple of friends asked if I could give them a ride which I was happy to do. While we had had some rain near the hotel, the closer we got to the airport, the heavier the rain became. Visibility was low and we made several wrong turns (thank you Siri) before finally getting my first friend to the terminal so she could head home. The rain was coming down in sheets and it felt like a tropical storm. Later we found out it was the second largest rainfall total for Philly; 6 inches in 2 hours.
After I dropped friend number one, I proceeded to drive my other friend to her hotel near the airport. The rain was making it difficult to see but now many of the roads were being flooded as well. This included the road at the entrance to her hotel. Left with few options, I plowed into the 8 inches of standing water to get into the hotel parking lot. Water came up over to hood, windshield and roof from the wake of my determination to get her there. Mission accomplished. Rental car, none the worse wear.
The next stage was to drop off the rental car where I saw a poor guy in a yellow rain suit, with his digital scanner and soggy rental receipts waiting for me. Once I was free of the rental car, I had about a 50 yard walk to the bus stop in the rain. The bus was so crowded I assumed it would stop at all terminals including mine. It did not. (That was on me.) Left with the choice of looping through all the other terminals, back to the rental area and back to the terminal again, I decided it was easier to walk back the 100 yards or more to the other terminal. As I began my walk, I was soaked to the bone and feeling pretty sorry for myself. Suddenly I remembered - I LOVE WALKING IN THE RAIN!
My whole attitude changed and I was splashing in puddles and laughing out loud. One gentleman, smoking under the cover of a ledge at the terminal entrance, saw the whole thing and probably wondered if I should be allowed to walk free on the streets. When I arrived at security, literally dripping on the tile floor, they looked at me inquisitively and asked - "What the hell happened to you?" I smiled and said in a playful voice "ITS RAINING!" They still let me pass. When I got to the scanner, my clothes were sticking to me and quite see-through so I proceeded to tell the TSA agent, "you don't have to scan me, you can see right through my clothes!" Smiling of course...No dice. However, it would appear that the airport scanners do not like trying to see through water either so I was offered a free massage right there, for all to see. When the TSA Agent started messing with my waist band I asked him if he was going to buy me dinner first. He barely looked up and said, "not this time." I smiled anyway.
By this time, my bags had gone through the scanner and aroused suspicion as well. I had a beautiful decorative rock in my carry on which I had purchased for Fayne's birthday, which was today. TSA directed me to another area where they could thoroughly search my bags. I smiled and showed them all my stuff. Once they were convinced the rock was actually a rock, they let me move on to my next adventure. Wet, cold and tired, I stopped by a Starbucks and got a coffee before heading to my gate. Once at the gate, with my phone at 8% charge, I found that electrical outlets were very hard to come by with people huddled around each one like moths to a flame. To my surprise there was one open near the gate agent's desk so I grabbed a chair, plugged in and began to breathe deep and relax. It was about then that the first notice came of our plane being delayed because of the storm. I smiled, sat back and prepared for a longer wait. When my phone had reached about 20% charge, I heard a loud boom and the terminal went dark. All power in the terminal went out. It was about this time that the fire alarm went off and we were being told to evacuate the terminal immediately, in 8 different languages. Once the gate agent had checked with the powers that be, we were told we could stay in place because the terminal had simply lost power and there was no immediate danger. I again sat back, breathed deeply and smiled.
I did wonder that if we were in no immediate danger, then why then, for the next hour, did the fire alarm remain so vigilant in it attempts to evacuate the terminal. I could feel that people were getting very frustrated. Pained by the loud noise of the alarm and flashing strobe lights in the dark terminal. There was nothing for me to do so I sat back and began to breathe deep and smile. I went into a deep meditation whereby I began to explorer the intricate sounds which made up the alarm tone. When you listen carefully there are actually several different tones and rhythms in an alarm signal. I thought about how the "alarm tone designers" might have decided what tones to use. I imagined them trying to figure out which ones, in which combination would get the most attention. I think they found a winner in Philly. At one point in all the chaos and frustration at gate 29, with me sitting in my corner breathing and smiling, I felt eyes on me so I opened mine to find the gate agent staring at me and smiling back. In that moment, when our eyes met, I realized that I had inadvertently helped her reframe the experience we were having. Her mood lightened up and she began to be more playful and light hearted with the hundred or so fellow passengers clamoring for her attention. This made me smile even deeper. The smile was spreading.
It was near this time that the passengers which had more access to technology than our gate agent, informed her our flight had been cancelled. When she confirmed it for us, I worked to booked a hotel room nearby on 7% power with a wordy hotel agent who insisted on going through her programmed spiel even though I had explained thatI might lose my phone power at any moment. I then left the terminal in search of a working outlet for my failing phone. Having found one in a main hallway, I was sitting where people were running by me frantically trying to find their way home. Still wet and cold, I worked to simultaneously charge my phone and get a return flight home. No dice. The best they could do was Tuesday afternoon. Then about an hour later, I was able to get a flight out on Monday but it was in New York. I would have to navigate my way by train and bus to catch that flight. With my phone mostly charged decided to get to the hotel, dry off and try again later.
Once in the room, and dry, I was trying to figure out how to get to New York by navigating the unfamiliar public transportation systems between Philly and New York. I smiled and looked at this as another adventure. Something I had never done before. It was about then that American Airlines called me back and we were able to get me on a US Airways flight back to Dallas out of Philly on Monday afternoon. I cancelled my Monday classes, notified Fayne of the changes, smiled and went to bed.
MOnday morning, fully rested and fed, I left for the airport early expecting there to be a significant crowd of stranded passengers from the previous days adventure. I was right. The line at the check in desk was very long and the agents were being taxed with frustrated, annoyed passengers. When it was my turn, I walked up to the desk smiling and sheepishly said, hello, I am an American Airlines Refugee...Can you help me get home. She giggled and said don't hold your breath, I have only had one other person with a confirmed reservation transferred from American all day. I smiled and hoped for the best. After a few minutes of checking, she informed me I was the second one today that had a confirmed MIDDLE seat. I smiled and asked, do you have a window or isle? She laughed and said I must be a comedian and should count my blessings that I was inside the plane. Then I proceeded to say sheepishly - "then a first class seat is out of the question?" To that, we both laughed out loud. I thanked her for her time and effort and began to head to the terminal. Smiling. When I looked back, I noticed that she now had a smile in her heart for the next customer in line. Again, the smile was spreading.
As I sat and had a nice lunch waiting for my flight, I thought back on the previous 24 hours events. I know that in the not so distant past, I would have handled all of it much differently. I could have easily been one of the irate, frustrated, "why does this always happen TO me" passengers. Instead, I chose to move past that mindset and realized all of this was happening FOR me. By TRUSTING that I would be fine no matter what was thrown my way, ALLOWING the events to unfold as they needed to (not trying to control thing I clearly could not control) and feeling GRATEFUL all the while, I truly felt a deep sense of personal practice unfold. With every turn of events, I smiled deeper. I thought of how I could relate this back to my students. I truly felt grateful for ever turn. I moved from victim, to survivor. Smiling Energy is indeed a powerful tool worth cultivating.
On July 28th, I had what would later become one of the best training exercises for Smiling Energy I have ever endured.
Having just finished several days at the National Qigong Association Conference, I was ready to drive to the airport and fly home. A couple of friends asked if I could give them a ride which I was happy to do. While we had had some rain near the hotel, the closer we got to the airport, the heavier the rain became. Visibility was low and we made several wrong turns (thank you Siri) before finally getting my first friend to the terminal so she could head home. The rain was coming down in sheets and it felt like a tropical storm. Later we found out it was the second largest rainfall total for Philly; 6 inches in 2 hours.
After I dropped friend number one, I proceeded to drive my other friend to her hotel near the airport. The rain was making it difficult to see but now many of the roads were being flooded as well. This included the road at the entrance to her hotel. Left with few options, I plowed into the 8 inches of standing water to get into the hotel parking lot. Water came up over to hood, windshield and roof from the wake of my determination to get her there. Mission accomplished. Rental car, none the worse wear.
The next stage was to drop off the rental car where I saw a poor guy in a yellow rain suit, with his digital scanner and soggy rental receipts waiting for me. Once I was free of the rental car, I had about a 50 yard walk to the bus stop in the rain. The bus was so crowded I assumed it would stop at all terminals including mine. It did not. (That was on me.) Left with the choice of looping through all the other terminals, back to the rental area and back to the terminal again, I decided it was easier to walk back the 100 yards or more to the other terminal. As I began my walk, I was soaked to the bone and feeling pretty sorry for myself. Suddenly I remembered - I LOVE WALKING IN THE RAIN!
My whole attitude changed and I was splashing in puddles and laughing out loud. One gentleman, smoking under the cover of a ledge at the terminal entrance, saw the whole thing and probably wondered if I should be allowed to walk free on the streets. When I arrived at security, literally dripping on the tile floor, they looked at me inquisitively and asked - "What the hell happened to you?" I smiled and said in a playful voice "ITS RAINING!" They still let me pass. When I got to the scanner, my clothes were sticking to me and quite see-through so I proceeded to tell the TSA agent, "you don't have to scan me, you can see right through my clothes!" Smiling of course...No dice. However, it would appear that the airport scanners do not like trying to see through water either so I was offered a free massage right there, for all to see. When the TSA Agent started messing with my waist band I asked him if he was going to buy me dinner first. He barely looked up and said, "not this time." I smiled anyway.
By this time, my bags had gone through the scanner and aroused suspicion as well. I had a beautiful decorative rock in my carry on which I had purchased for Fayne's birthday, which was today. TSA directed me to another area where they could thoroughly search my bags. I smiled and showed them all my stuff. Once they were convinced the rock was actually a rock, they let me move on to my next adventure. Wet, cold and tired, I stopped by a Starbucks and got a coffee before heading to my gate. Once at the gate, with my phone at 8% charge, I found that electrical outlets were very hard to come by with people huddled around each one like moths to a flame. To my surprise there was one open near the gate agent's desk so I grabbed a chair, plugged in and began to breathe deep and relax. It was about then that the first notice came of our plane being delayed because of the storm. I smiled, sat back and prepared for a longer wait. When my phone had reached about 20% charge, I heard a loud boom and the terminal went dark. All power in the terminal went out. It was about this time that the fire alarm went off and we were being told to evacuate the terminal immediately, in 8 different languages. Once the gate agent had checked with the powers that be, we were told we could stay in place because the terminal had simply lost power and there was no immediate danger. I again sat back, breathed deeply and smiled.
I did wonder that if we were in no immediate danger, then why then, for the next hour, did the fire alarm remain so vigilant in it attempts to evacuate the terminal. I could feel that people were getting very frustrated. Pained by the loud noise of the alarm and flashing strobe lights in the dark terminal. There was nothing for me to do so I sat back and began to breathe deep and smile. I went into a deep meditation whereby I began to explorer the intricate sounds which made up the alarm tone. When you listen carefully there are actually several different tones and rhythms in an alarm signal. I thought about how the "alarm tone designers" might have decided what tones to use. I imagined them trying to figure out which ones, in which combination would get the most attention. I think they found a winner in Philly. At one point in all the chaos and frustration at gate 29, with me sitting in my corner breathing and smiling, I felt eyes on me so I opened mine to find the gate agent staring at me and smiling back. In that moment, when our eyes met, I realized that I had inadvertently helped her reframe the experience we were having. Her mood lightened up and she began to be more playful and light hearted with the hundred or so fellow passengers clamoring for her attention. This made me smile even deeper. The smile was spreading.
It was near this time that the passengers which had more access to technology than our gate agent, informed her our flight had been cancelled. When she confirmed it for us, I worked to booked a hotel room nearby on 7% power with a wordy hotel agent who insisted on going through her programmed spiel even though I had explained thatI might lose my phone power at any moment. I then left the terminal in search of a working outlet for my failing phone. Having found one in a main hallway, I was sitting where people were running by me frantically trying to find their way home. Still wet and cold, I worked to simultaneously charge my phone and get a return flight home. No dice. The best they could do was Tuesday afternoon. Then about an hour later, I was able to get a flight out on Monday but it was in New York. I would have to navigate my way by train and bus to catch that flight. With my phone mostly charged decided to get to the hotel, dry off and try again later.
Once in the room, and dry, I was trying to figure out how to get to New York by navigating the unfamiliar public transportation systems between Philly and New York. I smiled and looked at this as another adventure. Something I had never done before. It was about then that American Airlines called me back and we were able to get me on a US Airways flight back to Dallas out of Philly on Monday afternoon. I cancelled my Monday classes, notified Fayne of the changes, smiled and went to bed.
MOnday morning, fully rested and fed, I left for the airport early expecting there to be a significant crowd of stranded passengers from the previous days adventure. I was right. The line at the check in desk was very long and the agents were being taxed with frustrated, annoyed passengers. When it was my turn, I walked up to the desk smiling and sheepishly said, hello, I am an American Airlines Refugee...Can you help me get home. She giggled and said don't hold your breath, I have only had one other person with a confirmed reservation transferred from American all day. I smiled and hoped for the best. After a few minutes of checking, she informed me I was the second one today that had a confirmed MIDDLE seat. I smiled and asked, do you have a window or isle? She laughed and said I must be a comedian and should count my blessings that I was inside the plane. Then I proceeded to say sheepishly - "then a first class seat is out of the question?" To that, we both laughed out loud. I thanked her for her time and effort and began to head to the terminal. Smiling. When I looked back, I noticed that she now had a smile in her heart for the next customer in line. Again, the smile was spreading.
As I sat and had a nice lunch waiting for my flight, I thought back on the previous 24 hours events. I know that in the not so distant past, I would have handled all of it much differently. I could have easily been one of the irate, frustrated, "why does this always happen TO me" passengers. Instead, I chose to move past that mindset and realized all of this was happening FOR me. By TRUSTING that I would be fine no matter what was thrown my way, ALLOWING the events to unfold as they needed to (not trying to control thing I clearly could not control) and feeling GRATEFUL all the while, I truly felt a deep sense of personal practice unfold. With every turn of events, I smiled deeper. I thought of how I could relate this back to my students. I truly felt grateful for ever turn. I moved from victim, to survivor. Smiling Energy is indeed a powerful tool worth cultivating.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
No Excuses. Just Human, and Humbled.
The past couple of week have been a bit overwhelming and I fell off the wagon, hard. I have fallen back into old patterns of self talk and behaviors which I clearly know do not serve me. I have been drinking alcohol (not to excess) but enough to feel it, drinking lots of coffee and consequently, eating lots of sugar. As a result, I am in a lot of physical pain and feeling defeated. I am now up to 201 pounds and the goals I set at the beginning of this year feel out of reach.
As I process what happened, If find that the week leading up to Galen's Bar Mitzvah was particularly stressful with lots of last minutes preparations, frustrations and rushing around. The day itself was amazing, Galen did a beautiful job and we had many friends and family around to share the event and love with us. I found myself teetering between staying focused on my goals and letting go with the excuse of the "special occasion". The latter won.
During the next week, while in this already emotionally weakened state, I learned that Aaron, a 20 year old boy I had been working with in hospital, had died. While I could not have seen it coming and was helpless to stop it, his death hit me hard. So young, yet so lost. I thought about my boys and fear for their futures began to infiltrate my thoughts. I reached for comfort in the thing that weakens me, sugar.
As I sit and write this morning, I have a migraine, my right shoulder and arm are weak and painful, my mid back is very tight and my foundation (back, hips, knees, feet) are all painful and unhappy. My emotions are low and I feel I have nothing left in the tank.
As I sit back, take a few deep breaths and clear my mind, I am realizing that these thoughts and emotions are all temporary and well within my control. Today is a new day and an opportunity to reframe my goals. I know when I am moving towards my goals I feel light, clear and strong. I know I do not want to be in pain. So, instead of using the past two weeks as a tool for self deprecation, I am choosing to use it as a learning experience on this journey. The more I learn, the less likely I will be surprised and fall victim, in this manner again.
Now, I see how easy it is to loose sight of my goals and fall back into old patterns. Now, I see how life can take quick, surprising turns and lead me down dark alleys. Now, I see how much physical pain is directly associated with my diet and emotional state.
And now, I see how opening my eyes, being honest, caring and willing to accept my own short comings can free me from my harmful patterns.
As I process what happened, If find that the week leading up to Galen's Bar Mitzvah was particularly stressful with lots of last minutes preparations, frustrations and rushing around. The day itself was amazing, Galen did a beautiful job and we had many friends and family around to share the event and love with us. I found myself teetering between staying focused on my goals and letting go with the excuse of the "special occasion". The latter won.
During the next week, while in this already emotionally weakened state, I learned that Aaron, a 20 year old boy I had been working with in hospital, had died. While I could not have seen it coming and was helpless to stop it, his death hit me hard. So young, yet so lost. I thought about my boys and fear for their futures began to infiltrate my thoughts. I reached for comfort in the thing that weakens me, sugar.
As I sit and write this morning, I have a migraine, my right shoulder and arm are weak and painful, my mid back is very tight and my foundation (back, hips, knees, feet) are all painful and unhappy. My emotions are low and I feel I have nothing left in the tank.
As I sit back, take a few deep breaths and clear my mind, I am realizing that these thoughts and emotions are all temporary and well within my control. Today is a new day and an opportunity to reframe my goals. I know when I am moving towards my goals I feel light, clear and strong. I know I do not want to be in pain. So, instead of using the past two weeks as a tool for self deprecation, I am choosing to use it as a learning experience on this journey. The more I learn, the less likely I will be surprised and fall victim, in this manner again.
Now, I see how easy it is to loose sight of my goals and fall back into old patterns. Now, I see how life can take quick, surprising turns and lead me down dark alleys. Now, I see how much physical pain is directly associated with my diet and emotional state.
And now, I see how opening my eyes, being honest, caring and willing to accept my own short comings can free me from my harmful patterns.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The power of stress...
Today I weighed in at 200 lbs. When I saw that number on my scale, the first feeling I had was one of utter defeat. I immediately heard a powerful old self talk come out as "what's the use." Man, what a difference a week makes. Last week I was feeling really strong, making progress and moving forward, one little setback and whammo, the patterns return.
As I look back for some idea of what happened I notice that my stress level has been quite high this week. We started the next series of VA Programs, I am behind schedule on the workbooks, DVDs, Galen's Bar Mitzvah, home maintenance, house cleaning, family responsibilities and so much more. There are pressures coming at me from what feels like every direction possible in my life. I have been sleeping less, feeling more pain in my body and craving coffee and subsequently, sugar.
We teach our students about the holistic approach to the healing process and the fact that the three levels of human existence - Physical - Mental and Emotional depend upon each other for support and can affect each other negatively as well. We encourage students to listen to these three levels intently and recognize how they correlate to each other. With this knowledge, one can take active control over much of your life. I may not be able to relieve myself of all pain from a chronic injury but I can certainly reduce my pain symptoms by altering how I think and feel about the pain and related circumstances. It starts with stress...
What we feel as stress begins with a stimulation of the sympathetic side of the autonomic nervous system. Or more commonly called, the fight or flight mechanism. When the stress response is triggered, many systems jump into action with the elevation of heart rate, breathing rate, blood pressure, mental acuity... while some fall back to allow more room for the necessary response, most notably, digestion. So the more stressed out I feel, the harder it becomes for me to properly digest my food, leading to a myriad of digestive disorders such as ulcers, gastritis, colitis, irritable bowl syndrome, migraines and much more. As my digestion slows, or in extreme cases shuts down, my ability to process food properly, diminishes thus causes more food to be stored instead of released. This is on top of the myriad of hormones released while under stress which lead to storage, rather than processing of, food.
I am clear that key for me on this journey will be to use my stress management strategies to allow my body to maintain a more balanced approach to processing food.
As I look back for some idea of what happened I notice that my stress level has been quite high this week. We started the next series of VA Programs, I am behind schedule on the workbooks, DVDs, Galen's Bar Mitzvah, home maintenance, house cleaning, family responsibilities and so much more. There are pressures coming at me from what feels like every direction possible in my life. I have been sleeping less, feeling more pain in my body and craving coffee and subsequently, sugar.
We teach our students about the holistic approach to the healing process and the fact that the three levels of human existence - Physical - Mental and Emotional depend upon each other for support and can affect each other negatively as well. We encourage students to listen to these three levels intently and recognize how they correlate to each other. With this knowledge, one can take active control over much of your life. I may not be able to relieve myself of all pain from a chronic injury but I can certainly reduce my pain symptoms by altering how I think and feel about the pain and related circumstances. It starts with stress...
What we feel as stress begins with a stimulation of the sympathetic side of the autonomic nervous system. Or more commonly called, the fight or flight mechanism. When the stress response is triggered, many systems jump into action with the elevation of heart rate, breathing rate, blood pressure, mental acuity... while some fall back to allow more room for the necessary response, most notably, digestion. So the more stressed out I feel, the harder it becomes for me to properly digest my food, leading to a myriad of digestive disorders such as ulcers, gastritis, colitis, irritable bowl syndrome, migraines and much more. As my digestion slows, or in extreme cases shuts down, my ability to process food properly, diminishes thus causes more food to be stored instead of released. This is on top of the myriad of hormones released while under stress which lead to storage, rather than processing of, food.
I am clear that key for me on this journey will be to use my stress management strategies to allow my body to maintain a more balanced approach to processing food.
Friday, February 1, 2013
A week full of opportunities...
I am getting to this later than I had hoped but such is life. This morning I weighed in at 199.7 pounds. At this rate, I will reach my goal weight of 185 lbs. in less than three months.
One of my favorite mantras is "TRUST - ALLOW - BE THANKFUL" ~ Dr. Alan Chen
TRUST that everything is unfolding as it needs to, in your best interest
ALLOW things to unfold before you in their own time
BE THANKFUL for every step and lesson along the way
This week began very well with me leaving for Albuquerque NM to attend a weekend of Board meetings with my colleagues on the National Qigong Association Board of Directors. For me, the big challenge when traveling has always been sticking to a healthy diet. Restaurants are notorious for serving rich, oversized portions and offering intense dessert options. Not long ago I would have fallen prey to my "I deserve this" self talk and would have come home having added at least two of three pounds to my morning weigh in. I am pleased to say, not this time.
Over the past month, my observations regarding self talk, triggers and patterns has really helped me to become more aware. That awareness has helped to shift my behaviors from "unconscious habit" to conscious choices and WOW what a difference! I found myself easily moving past bad choices on the menu and finding the best choices for my continued success, and it did not feel like sacrifice, at all. In addition, when I made a choice which was a bit less healthy, I allowed that to be a conscious choice and therefore did not have the guilt and self loathing attached to it I am so used to feeling. I even had a very nice chocolate tort (flourless cake) with a creme brûlée layer on top for dessert on Saturday night. This was topping off a nice grilled salmon caesar salad. No guilt. This is very new territory for me.
On the walk back to the hotel I listened to what I was telling myself about the meal I had just enjoyed. Yes, there was some doubt that I had made a good choice but over all I allowed myself that treat without the baggage.
Now, once I got home, things were a bit different. We began a new series of Qigong Principle Training at the Dallas VA on Tuesday and I was feeling lees than prepared. In short, my "less than" and "not good enough" self talk was on full volume. Being pulled in many directions, I find myself lacking time to work on the tools for that program which leaves me feeling frustrated and fatalistic. This leads me to being tired, then when I do have time, I sometimes lack the motivation to step into what I know have to (and truly want to) do. This is where some of my positive self talk comes in to save the day. "I can do this" / "one step at a time" / "it will get done" are all things I hear in my head, especially when I am feeling really beat down. Sometimes "whats the use" wins, but not for long. For you see, even with all the difficulty I have faced in my life, I am still here. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I married one too.
Even still, the fighter in me allowed my anger to crop up this week and my pain levels have been higher than usual. This is a familiar, albeit uncomfortable, pattern. I tried to sit with my breath and listen to my anger, working to identify where it was coming from but at times it was clouded over and unclear. This simply shows me that there are parts inside me which still need me to listen with an open mind and compassionate heart. There was a time where my ego would get really angry at the thought that I was not "done" with my anger but I know realize I am, and will continue to be a "work in progress".
One of my favorite mantras is "TRUST - ALLOW - BE THANKFUL" ~ Dr. Alan Chen
TRUST that everything is unfolding as it needs to, in your best interest
ALLOW things to unfold before you in their own time
BE THANKFUL for every step and lesson along the way
This week began very well with me leaving for Albuquerque NM to attend a weekend of Board meetings with my colleagues on the National Qigong Association Board of Directors. For me, the big challenge when traveling has always been sticking to a healthy diet. Restaurants are notorious for serving rich, oversized portions and offering intense dessert options. Not long ago I would have fallen prey to my "I deserve this" self talk and would have come home having added at least two of three pounds to my morning weigh in. I am pleased to say, not this time.
Over the past month, my observations regarding self talk, triggers and patterns has really helped me to become more aware. That awareness has helped to shift my behaviors from "unconscious habit" to conscious choices and WOW what a difference! I found myself easily moving past bad choices on the menu and finding the best choices for my continued success, and it did not feel like sacrifice, at all. In addition, when I made a choice which was a bit less healthy, I allowed that to be a conscious choice and therefore did not have the guilt and self loathing attached to it I am so used to feeling. I even had a very nice chocolate tort (flourless cake) with a creme brûlée layer on top for dessert on Saturday night. This was topping off a nice grilled salmon caesar salad. No guilt. This is very new territory for me.
On the walk back to the hotel I listened to what I was telling myself about the meal I had just enjoyed. Yes, there was some doubt that I had made a good choice but over all I allowed myself that treat without the baggage.
Now, once I got home, things were a bit different. We began a new series of Qigong Principle Training at the Dallas VA on Tuesday and I was feeling lees than prepared. In short, my "less than" and "not good enough" self talk was on full volume. Being pulled in many directions, I find myself lacking time to work on the tools for that program which leaves me feeling frustrated and fatalistic. This leads me to being tired, then when I do have time, I sometimes lack the motivation to step into what I know have to (and truly want to) do. This is where some of my positive self talk comes in to save the day. "I can do this" / "one step at a time" / "it will get done" are all things I hear in my head, especially when I am feeling really beat down. Sometimes "whats the use" wins, but not for long. For you see, even with all the difficulty I have faced in my life, I am still here. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I married one too.
Even still, the fighter in me allowed my anger to crop up this week and my pain levels have been higher than usual. This is a familiar, albeit uncomfortable, pattern. I tried to sit with my breath and listen to my anger, working to identify where it was coming from but at times it was clouded over and unclear. This simply shows me that there are parts inside me which still need me to listen with an open mind and compassionate heart. There was a time where my ego would get really angry at the thought that I was not "done" with my anger but I know realize I am, and will continue to be a "work in progress".
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