FEAR is a powerful motivator and the media knows it.

We live in Dallas, Texas. Some 400 miles north of the Hurricane Harvey aftermath and flooding currently overwhelming our southern most neighbors in greater Houston and southern Louisiana. Our hearts go out to them as they work to recover from the sheer magnitude of this event.

As a Medical Qigong Therapist, I have the opportunity to see first hand what fear can do to the body in every patient I see. Short, medium and long term.

Short term it creates an elevated state of sympathetic nervous system response which promotes tunnel vision, a deeply driven need to move away from the perceived danger and strong motivation for self preservation. These are programmed so deeply into our human nature that it is almost impossible to avoid some level of fear response under the right circumstances.

With medium term exposure to fear, we find ourselves able to "manage" the prolonged fear response in a way that allows us to function more "freely" in our day to day. Sure we are anxious, our blood pressure may be elevated and we are quick to overreact to situations, usually inappropriately but we are functioning none the less.

With long term fear response, our nervous system has been in a state of sympathetic overdrive for so long that it is now the only place we "feel safe". We are on constant alert, usually have heart palpitations or arrhythmia, trouble sleeping, frequent headaches, a short fuse, reacting either with anger or retreat to even the slightest stimuli, and proper digestion is a distant memory. Pain levels are elevated and unrelenting with personal and professional relationships deteriorating and now vulnerable to collapse.

At first, this state of fear response feels "hot" and uncomfortable but over time, we acclimate and become "comfortable" with these more intense feelings. Or maybe "familiar" is a better word. We now feel that if we are not in this heightened state, we will somehow lose the edge necessary to feel safe, not consciously realizing that we truly do not feel safe, ever, and this is what keeps the viscous cycle going. 24/7.

The news media exploits this part of our human psyche as a way to stimulate viewership which then allows them to charge more for advertising and make more money. Not unlike the more readership a newspaper has, the more they can charge for advertising. So when a "big event" like Hurricane Harvey happens, they know that the most reliable response to generate viewership is fear. Sensationalist imagery, promises of more detail to come, and the threat of impending doom are hallmarks of our current model of news media. In Dallas, this week, we are experiencing a panic around a media outlets FALSE PREDICTION that we have a MAJOR GAS SHORTAGE looming large. This has caused people to line up around the block, start fist fights for cutting in line, fill extra containers and scramble on social media to find a tank of gasoline. The fuel companies have been hard at work to calm people down after this report with little to no success. Remember the tunnel vision I mentioned? The ball is rolling are we are chasing it down the hill. Cant stop now! The same theory applies to the people we see on the news who have driven into too deep water and now need to be rescued. While there may be some arrogant people who think they can make it, the vast majority are operating on fear and the fear in their minds is greater than the fear of driving through high water, during that myopic moment in time. Of course, hind sight is 20/20 and we, from our couches can see that this is a bad idea but in that moment, in their minds, they see no other reasonable choice.

We can not control the news media except by turning them off, and we certainly can not control mother nature but we do have the ability to control our Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) and its response to external stimuli. Depending on the level of intensity you personally experience, it will take training, deeper awareness and maybe professional guidance but you can train yourself to strengthen your connection to your innate fight or flight response mechanism (ANS). Medical Qigong Therapy combines physical, mental and emotional training to help guide your path to wellbeing. This is a path of personal empowerment, not a quick fix, with truly amazing results. Fear is not an enemy to be conquered but a friend to be understood. Are you ready?

A week full of opportunities...

I am getting to this later than I had hoped but such is life. This morning I weighed in at 199.7 pounds. At this rate, I will reach my goal weight of 185 lbs. in less than three months.


One of my favorite mantras is "TRUST - ALLOW - BE THANKFUL" ~ Dr. Alan Chen

TRUST that everything is unfolding as it needs to, in your best interest
ALLOW things to unfold before you in their own time
BE THANKFUL for every step and lesson along the way


This week began very well with me leaving for Albuquerque NM to attend a weekend of Board meetings with my colleagues on the National Qigong Association Board of Directors. For me, the big challenge when traveling has always been sticking to a healthy diet. Restaurants are notorious for serving rich, oversized portions and offering intense dessert options. Not long ago I would have fallen prey to my "I deserve this" self talk and would have come home having added at least two of three pounds to my morning weigh in. I am pleased to say, not this time.

Over the past month, my observations regarding self talk, triggers and patterns has really helped me to become more aware. That awareness has helped to shift my behaviors from "unconscious habit" to conscious choices and WOW what a difference! I found myself easily moving past bad choices on the menu and finding the best choices for my continued success, and it did not feel like sacrifice, at all. In addition, when I made a choice which was a bit less healthy, I allowed that to be a conscious choice and therefore did not have the guilt and self loathing attached to it I am so used to feeling. I even had a very nice chocolate tort (flourless cake) with a creme brûlée layer on top for dessert on Saturday night. This was topping off a nice grilled salmon caesar salad. No guilt. This is very new territory for me.

On the walk back to the hotel I listened to what I was telling myself about the meal I had just enjoyed. Yes, there was some doubt that I had made a good choice but over all I allowed myself that treat without the baggage.

Now, once I got home, things were a bit different. We began a new series of Qigong Principle Training at the Dallas VA on Tuesday and I was feeling lees than prepared. In short, my "less than" and "not good enough" self talk was on full volume. Being pulled in many directions, I find myself lacking time to work on the tools for that program which leaves me feeling frustrated and fatalistic. This leads me to being tired, then when I do have time, I sometimes lack the motivation to step into what I know have to (and truly want to) do. This is where some of my positive self talk comes in to save the day. "I can do this" / "one step at a time" / "it will get done" are all things I hear in my head, especially when I am feeling really beat down. Sometimes "whats the use" wins, but not for long. For you see, even with all the difficulty I have faced in my life, I am still here. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I married one too.

Even still, the fighter in me allowed my anger to crop up this week and my pain levels have been higher than usual. This is a familiar, albeit uncomfortable, pattern. I tried to sit with my breath and listen to my anger, working to identify where it was coming from but at times it was clouded over and unclear. This simply shows me that there are parts inside me which still need me to listen with an open mind and compassionate heart. There was a time where my ego would get really angry at the thought that I was not "done" with my anger but I know realize I am, and will continue to be a "work in progress".

Dealing with temptations...

Today, I am at 200 pounds. I have not seen that number on my scale in almost 2 years. Last Friday I was at 201, then Friday night I had the very rare opportunity to take Kamin out for a "Daddy and Me" dinner. We started out for a nice Chinese Buffet near our home but it was so crowded we decided to go to a small German restaurant near by instead. In typical German style, the food was delicious and abundant. Looking back I ate at least twice what I normally eat in one sitting. The next morning I was up to 203! Yikes! Wrong way...

Immediately after the meal, feeling stuffed, and cloudy I noticed a sense of guilt starting to creep in, and the sadness I have so long associated with "failures" in my life. This is not a comfortable place, anymore. Recognizing the pattern of failure feeding guilt, then using the self talk "Whats the use" to fall back into old habits, I sat back listened, breathed deep and gave myself the opportunity to learn from the experience instead.

I learned that guilt is a significant trigger for me. I fail to hold up to my own (or others) expectations and whammo, I give up on myself. As I mentioned before, once the trigger / pattern has been identified, it loses its ability to control, without conscious permission. I recently found a wonderful quote for this particular point -

"If you're tired of starting over, then stop giving up"

I have been limiting myself to one cup of coffee but this week, after about an hour of consideration, I allowed myself two. No sugar, just a bit of milk. I allowed that to be ok and worked to notice if I felt or thought any differently during the day. Without the guilt, nothing really came up.

This process continues to be a fruitful exploration of self and how I align myself thorough thoughts and actions. Triggers, patterns and opportunities to "Cheat" abound in a house full of children and responsibilities.

This week, I gave myself permission to be less than perfect.

The cravings are getting easier to manage.

Today I am at 201 lbs. I am finding managing the cravings for sweets to be much easier, especially as I see / feel the results of my progress. My knees hurt less, I have more energy and I am more alert.  I have noticed some important things this week related to my cravings and patterns.

December 2012, I personally feel, was the peak of my depression, resentment and self deprecation. As I gain distance from that time, I am starting to see how powerful my addiction has been and the pattern I have been trapped in for so long. I know I am just getting started and I have more to do on this life long change but I am more confident in my potential for success than I have ever been in my life. I have more tools at my disposal and a strong, loving support system, which includes readers of this Blog.

Taking some terminology from psychotherapy, triggers are typically external stimulations which cause an internal response. These can be certain people, places, actions, sights, smells and sounds. Think Pavlov's Dog, he hears a bell and begins to salivate. I eat a meal and begin to crave dessert. I have a coffee and begin to crave a cookie or chocolate. I feel stressed, I begin to seek out sexual pleasure as a form of relief. The  foods or even sex are not the problem here, it is the manner in which I am using them that is at issue. It is not coming from a healthy place, a habitual reaction not a choice. When I give in to a trigger, I am simply relieving a habitual pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Reaction -> Result...
Drink coffee -> Crave Chocolate -> Eat Chocolate -> Feel good then later feel guilt or shame for giving in to the trigger. Coupled with self deprecation when looking in the mirror. This adds to my stress which then adds to my trigger and here I go again.

The Qigong Principle of Listening has become one of my best friends on this journey. It has allowed me to notice when the triggers are activated and proactively choose a different reaction. So here is the pattern I am working on now. When a trigger comes up, I notice it and determine where it is coming from; am I feeling stress, am I reacting out of habit (IE after meal dessert); I sit with the feeling as long as is necessary to gain understanding of its origin. Once I understand it, I choose to accept it or reject it and allow EITHER decision to be ok. So here is the new pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Listen -> Conscious Choice -> Acceptance -> Result...

Here is an example from this week - Fayne and I had the opportunity for a date night after a long afternoon in the sound booth recording voiceovers for our new Training DVD. I took her to The Afgan Grill in North Dallas. When I got to the restaurant I was already plotting my path through the meal, craving Baklava and Turkish Coffee. I ordered a Vegetarian dish partly to save some "caloric room" for these amazing treats. We had water with the meal but it was very cold outside and I wanted something warm to drink - TURKISH COFFEE! I knew this would further trigger/ enhance my desire for dessert so I waited to order it. I ate slowly, and about half way through my plate, I ordered hot tea instead. Much to my surprise and pleasure, they make an amazing Cardamon Tea. (My new favorite) I still had the cravings but I was sitting with them, enjoying the meal and our conversation. By the end, I had let go of the cravings and even better yet, felt no remorse for the decision. I did not feel deprived and depressed which has historically been one of the main reasons for my past failed attempts at change.

In the end, using Listening Energy to identify my triggers and recognize the habitual patterns has allowed me to make conscious choices which serve my best, long term interest. As I see and feel positive results on this journey, the cravings are not nearly as strong, and they have become much shorter in length.

Thank you for listening.

Sinking Energy...Letting go

This week I weighed in at 204. Down two pounds. My mind feels brighter and I am finding I have more energy. I started back to teaching, after our year end break, which brings about a new selection of challenges. Mondays, I eat snacks in the car, driving between classes. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I typically eat out, using the down time to read and write. As we all know eating well in a restaurant can be a challenge, between calories, portion sizes and other temptations. This is where Sinking Energy can come into play.

Sinking Energy, on a physical level, is about letting go of unnecessary muscles. Allowing my structural alignment (bones) to bear the majority of the load and my muscles to move the load from place to place, in proper alignment. On a mental level, Sinking Energy becomes about letting go of thoughts which do not serve me. "its just one treat", "I deserve this" and "I don't care" are three big ones for me, especially when I am looking at things that do not support my long term health goals.

Taking a step back, before I could make a conscious choice to move past these "self talk" messages, I first had to hear them clearly, acknowledge that they at one point may have served me but are now in my way. Here is a typical example form my week - I am feeling "snackie" and head to the pantry. Nutella! I can smell it, remember how it tastes and want some. Then I hear, "but you shouldn't". Then, but I have been so good, I swam 2000 meters on Thursday - "I deserve this". If I am able to resist further, then I hear, "I don't care". Even though a part of me knows I really do care. Especially when my pants are too tight and I feel foggy and tired after the fact.

In my work with addictions, I have learned that the typical "physical need" once triggered, lasts only about 20 minutes. After that it is a mental game. So one strategy I am implementing on this journey is to sit with the craving and self talk for 20 minutes before I make a final decision on the "treat". This does not mean sitting in meditation, although that can be very good if the craving is strong. It simply means to spend time listening to the craving. I find that doing something else while I am actively listening to the craving helps distract. With this practice, I am finding that after about 15 minutes, the internal drive for the treat is basically gone. And if, after waiting, I choose to have the treat then I eat it slowly, allowing myself to enjoy every morsel, guilt free. That is the deal. Obviously if the addiction is deadly, such as with narcotics, leaving the guilt free sampling out is critical to long term success.

I found a saying that I have posted on my wall next to my desk which is helping me with letting go of these thoughts that no longer serve my best interests.

"Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW, and what you want MOST." Perfect.

Exploring Qigong Principles from the inside out...

Like water always seeking to be level, we are all simply seeking balance in our lives. If we are hot, we want to cool down; cold, warm up; hungry, eat; tired, sleep. In pain, get out of pain and so on. There is a delicate, intricate balance of chemicals in our bodies which is always simply seeking to be in balance.

As I continue this journey of internal change, the principle of "Listening" is a wonderful tool to dig deep into who I am, right now. Here are some examples from this week.

I love coffee. I would consider it a comfort food for me. It is not about the caffeine, it is about the smell, the taste (with cream and sugar) and the warmth I get from drinking it. I am going without for now because I have learned that it is a trigger for my sugar cravings. Yes, I drink it with sugar but even when I don't, the craving is still there although, not as strong. So, until I can learn to moderate, I will stay away from that trigger of temptation.

Also, I am noticing that at certain times of the day I am REALLY craving sweets and as I look back at my habits, I begin to see how the pattern plays out. We usually finish dinner around 7 or 8 pm and by 10 pm I am finding myself hungry for a snack. This leads me down the road of wanting to fill that void before going to bed. I hear a persistent self talk of "don't go to bed hungry". I found myself pacing around last night trying to talk myself out of a snack and then trying to find a healthy snack that I felt would satisfy my pattern and self talk. I tried a few pine nuts, and a small oatmeal cookie (gluten free, sugar free, taste free). No dice. I still had this savory - sweet craving that I thought only a Payday candy bar could fill. I ended up out on the back porch, sitting in meditation with a glass of water and the cold night air, listening. While I sat in a Dan Tien Breathing meditation, listening to the craving, the pattern and the desire slowly drifted out of my body. I stayed up for a while more but the craving had left me.

I can see that the principle of listening will serve me very well on this journey.

Happy? New Year 2013

As I sit and read my last entry, I am realizing I have so many things going on in my life right now. Over the past year I have strived to live the words I wrote in December 2011 but I know I have fallen short at times. Does this make me a bad person? I think it makes me an average mortal. We strive, we try, we fail, we strive we try, we succeed, we strive, we try we fail and so on...The key is that we learn with each step we take. The learning is where I have fallen down maybe more than most for you see, I am an addict. I am addicted to pleasure and its many forms.

In Daoist Tradition, this is the year of the Water Snake, my year to step up. To honor myself, my many teachers and the path I have been given to walk in this life.

I ask my students to move into discomfort, and often say that the places where we are most uncomfortable offer the most power to heal. Well, there is nothing more uncomfortable to me, right now than the words I am about to share on this page. I feel my heart energy stirring so I know I am in the right place, for me to begin healing on a deeper level. I am and Addict.

For most of my adult life, I was addicted to sex as a means of proving myself worthy of love. Meaning if I was sharing sex with a woman, I was loving and loved. It took many years and painful processing for me to realize how wrong I was. Sex has nothing to do with love, but deep love can lead to wonderful sex. I struggled with the confused picture of sex I was given as an 11/12 year old Boy Scout, by a Scout Leader who was also very confused about what love was. It took me many years to move the profound confusion, anger and hatred I had for him into a place of compassion. Not forgiveness, just compassion for the hardships he must have endured to grow up so confused. I do not wish to mislead anyone into thinking that I have forgotten what happened, that is not the case. if I close my eyes, I can still go there, but what i feel now is very different. Having come to peace with this time in my life has been about finding the gifts I have been given during that difficult time.

1) I am a very loving, active father to our three boys. I have learned to show them what self respect and honesty can bring to their hearts. They are all three, active Scouts and strong, kind, loving young men.

2) As a husband, I have learned the meaning of true love. And that the physical act of sex is a very small fraction of what true love is about. This is still a work in progress for me as my physical desires are still strong and confusion returns at times of pain and emotional weakness.

3) As a Recreational Therapist, I spend time each week with people who are struggling to make sense of their personal traumas. My having sat in their shoes (often to a lesser degree) has given me the ability to empathize with them, earn their respect, and share some of the tools I have used on my personal healing path.

I am an Addict.
Sugar and fats have been a big part of my life as far back as I can remember. There were many painful times in my childhood and there are several food groups which give me comfort and pleasure. The words "I deserve this" are often playing in the back of my mind when I reach for something I know is not healthy and will add to my growing waistline. At 206 pounds, I am heavier today than I have ever been in my life.

When working with addiction, I tell patients to face their feelings and listen to the self talk to gain insights into why the "drug of choice" is in their lives. What keeps you going back for more?
This is going to be my forum for learning this piece of myself. I am making it public because I have been struggling with this too long in private. My health is at risk and I feel like a hypocrite if I do not step up to the challenges I give each of my students / patients.

So here goes...I am addicted to sugars and fats...They give me pleasure which, as stated above, is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I recently read a book which I found very useful on this path - Suicide by Sugar in which the author quotes research showing sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It sure feels that way to me.

In October of 2010, I went on a week long retreat at Magnolia Grove Monastery to listen to the profound wisdom of my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay). After a couple of days without sugar, my body felt terrible, weakness, headaches, nausea, the shakes. It was very surprising to me. At the end of day three, I started feeling amazing. Bright, strong and full of energy. Part of it was the environment, vegetarian cooking and deep meditations but I can not ignore how profound my cravings for sugar were early in the week. As with any addict, it is easy to stay sober when you are isolated from the substance of choice. However, out here in the real world, sugars and fats are all around us. Out in plain sight as well as deeply hidden in the foods we eat.

There are several parts to this healing path -
I will be working to eliminate all forms of sugar from my diet and reducing fats.
I will be listening intently to the self talk and working to heal the words, replacing them with my new core beliefs.
I will seek outside support for my goals from family, friends and strangers to help me along this path for we never do anything, truly on our own.
I will use the training principles I have been given in my training to deepen my physical, mental and emotional commitment to myself and my students.
I am committing to write an entry every Friday throughout 2013 to document my progress.


This will be a work in progress but today is as good a day as any to start my journey.