No Excuses. Just Human, and Humbled.

The past couple of week have been a bit overwhelming and I fell off the wagon, hard. I have fallen back into old patterns of self talk and behaviors which I clearly know do not serve me. I have been drinking alcohol (not to excess) but enough to feel it, drinking lots of coffee and consequently, eating lots of sugar. As a result, I am in a lot of physical pain and feeling defeated. I am now up to 201 pounds and the goals I set at the beginning of this year feel out of reach.

As I process what happened, If find that the week leading up to Galen's Bar Mitzvah was particularly stressful with lots of last minutes preparations, frustrations and rushing around. The day itself was amazing, Galen did a beautiful job and we had many friends and family around to share the event and love with us. I found myself teetering between staying focused on my goals and letting go with the excuse of the "special occasion". The latter won.

During the next week, while in this already emotionally weakened state, I learned that Aaron, a 20 year old boy I had been working with in hospital, had died. While I could not have seen it coming and was helpless to stop it, his death hit me hard. So young, yet so lost. I thought about my boys and fear for their futures began to infiltrate my thoughts. I reached for comfort in the thing that weakens me, sugar.

As I sit and write this morning, I have a migraine, my right shoulder and arm are weak and painful, my mid back is very tight and my foundation (back, hips, knees, feet) are all painful and unhappy. My emotions are low and I feel I have nothing left in the tank.

As I sit back, take a few deep breaths and clear my mind, I am realizing that these thoughts and emotions are all temporary and well within my control. Today is a new day and an opportunity to reframe my goals. I know when I am moving towards my goals I feel light, clear and strong. I know I do not want to be in pain. So, instead of using the past two weeks as a tool for self deprecation, I am choosing to use it as a learning experience on this journey. The more I learn, the less likely I will be surprised and fall victim, in this manner again.

Now, I see how easy it is to loose sight of my goals and fall back into old patterns. Now, I see how life can take quick, surprising turns and lead me down dark alleys. Now, I see how much physical pain is directly associated with my diet and emotional state.

And now, I see how opening my eyes, being honest, caring and willing to accept my own short comings can free me from my harmful patterns.

Sinking Energy...Letting go

This week I weighed in at 204. Down two pounds. My mind feels brighter and I am finding I have more energy. I started back to teaching, after our year end break, which brings about a new selection of challenges. Mondays, I eat snacks in the car, driving between classes. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I typically eat out, using the down time to read and write. As we all know eating well in a restaurant can be a challenge, between calories, portion sizes and other temptations. This is where Sinking Energy can come into play.

Sinking Energy, on a physical level, is about letting go of unnecessary muscles. Allowing my structural alignment (bones) to bear the majority of the load and my muscles to move the load from place to place, in proper alignment. On a mental level, Sinking Energy becomes about letting go of thoughts which do not serve me. "its just one treat", "I deserve this" and "I don't care" are three big ones for me, especially when I am looking at things that do not support my long term health goals.

Taking a step back, before I could make a conscious choice to move past these "self talk" messages, I first had to hear them clearly, acknowledge that they at one point may have served me but are now in my way. Here is a typical example form my week - I am feeling "snackie" and head to the pantry. Nutella! I can smell it, remember how it tastes and want some. Then I hear, "but you shouldn't". Then, but I have been so good, I swam 2000 meters on Thursday - "I deserve this". If I am able to resist further, then I hear, "I don't care". Even though a part of me knows I really do care. Especially when my pants are too tight and I feel foggy and tired after the fact.

In my work with addictions, I have learned that the typical "physical need" once triggered, lasts only about 20 minutes. After that it is a mental game. So one strategy I am implementing on this journey is to sit with the craving and self talk for 20 minutes before I make a final decision on the "treat". This does not mean sitting in meditation, although that can be very good if the craving is strong. It simply means to spend time listening to the craving. I find that doing something else while I am actively listening to the craving helps distract. With this practice, I am finding that after about 15 minutes, the internal drive for the treat is basically gone. And if, after waiting, I choose to have the treat then I eat it slowly, allowing myself to enjoy every morsel, guilt free. That is the deal. Obviously if the addiction is deadly, such as with narcotics, leaving the guilt free sampling out is critical to long term success.

I found a saying that I have posted on my wall next to my desk which is helping me with letting go of these thoughts that no longer serve my best interests.

"Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW, and what you want MOST." Perfect.

Happy? New Year 2013

As I sit and read my last entry, I am realizing I have so many things going on in my life right now. Over the past year I have strived to live the words I wrote in December 2011 but I know I have fallen short at times. Does this make me a bad person? I think it makes me an average mortal. We strive, we try, we fail, we strive we try, we succeed, we strive, we try we fail and so on...The key is that we learn with each step we take. The learning is where I have fallen down maybe more than most for you see, I am an addict. I am addicted to pleasure and its many forms.

In Daoist Tradition, this is the year of the Water Snake, my year to step up. To honor myself, my many teachers and the path I have been given to walk in this life.

I ask my students to move into discomfort, and often say that the places where we are most uncomfortable offer the most power to heal. Well, there is nothing more uncomfortable to me, right now than the words I am about to share on this page. I feel my heart energy stirring so I know I am in the right place, for me to begin healing on a deeper level. I am and Addict.

For most of my adult life, I was addicted to sex as a means of proving myself worthy of love. Meaning if I was sharing sex with a woman, I was loving and loved. It took many years and painful processing for me to realize how wrong I was. Sex has nothing to do with love, but deep love can lead to wonderful sex. I struggled with the confused picture of sex I was given as an 11/12 year old Boy Scout, by a Scout Leader who was also very confused about what love was. It took me many years to move the profound confusion, anger and hatred I had for him into a place of compassion. Not forgiveness, just compassion for the hardships he must have endured to grow up so confused. I do not wish to mislead anyone into thinking that I have forgotten what happened, that is not the case. if I close my eyes, I can still go there, but what i feel now is very different. Having come to peace with this time in my life has been about finding the gifts I have been given during that difficult time.

1) I am a very loving, active father to our three boys. I have learned to show them what self respect and honesty can bring to their hearts. They are all three, active Scouts and strong, kind, loving young men.

2) As a husband, I have learned the meaning of true love. And that the physical act of sex is a very small fraction of what true love is about. This is still a work in progress for me as my physical desires are still strong and confusion returns at times of pain and emotional weakness.

3) As a Recreational Therapist, I spend time each week with people who are struggling to make sense of their personal traumas. My having sat in their shoes (often to a lesser degree) has given me the ability to empathize with them, earn their respect, and share some of the tools I have used on my personal healing path.

I am an Addict.
Sugar and fats have been a big part of my life as far back as I can remember. There were many painful times in my childhood and there are several food groups which give me comfort and pleasure. The words "I deserve this" are often playing in the back of my mind when I reach for something I know is not healthy and will add to my growing waistline. At 206 pounds, I am heavier today than I have ever been in my life.

When working with addiction, I tell patients to face their feelings and listen to the self talk to gain insights into why the "drug of choice" is in their lives. What keeps you going back for more?
This is going to be my forum for learning this piece of myself. I am making it public because I have been struggling with this too long in private. My health is at risk and I feel like a hypocrite if I do not step up to the challenges I give each of my students / patients.

So here goes...I am addicted to sugars and fats...They give me pleasure which, as stated above, is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I recently read a book which I found very useful on this path - Suicide by Sugar in which the author quotes research showing sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It sure feels that way to me.

In October of 2010, I went on a week long retreat at Magnolia Grove Monastery to listen to the profound wisdom of my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay). After a couple of days without sugar, my body felt terrible, weakness, headaches, nausea, the shakes. It was very surprising to me. At the end of day three, I started feeling amazing. Bright, strong and full of energy. Part of it was the environment, vegetarian cooking and deep meditations but I can not ignore how profound my cravings for sugar were early in the week. As with any addict, it is easy to stay sober when you are isolated from the substance of choice. However, out here in the real world, sugars and fats are all around us. Out in plain sight as well as deeply hidden in the foods we eat.

There are several parts to this healing path -
I will be working to eliminate all forms of sugar from my diet and reducing fats.
I will be listening intently to the self talk and working to heal the words, replacing them with my new core beliefs.
I will seek outside support for my goals from family, friends and strangers to help me along this path for we never do anything, truly on our own.
I will use the training principles I have been given in my training to deepen my physical, mental and emotional commitment to myself and my students.
I am committing to write an entry every Friday throughout 2013 to document my progress.


This will be a work in progress but today is as good a day as any to start my journey.