No Excuses. Just Human, and Humbled.

The past couple of week have been a bit overwhelming and I fell off the wagon, hard. I have fallen back into old patterns of self talk and behaviors which I clearly know do not serve me. I have been drinking alcohol (not to excess) but enough to feel it, drinking lots of coffee and consequently, eating lots of sugar. As a result, I am in a lot of physical pain and feeling defeated. I am now up to 201 pounds and the goals I set at the beginning of this year feel out of reach.

As I process what happened, If find that the week leading up to Galen's Bar Mitzvah was particularly stressful with lots of last minutes preparations, frustrations and rushing around. The day itself was amazing, Galen did a beautiful job and we had many friends and family around to share the event and love with us. I found myself teetering between staying focused on my goals and letting go with the excuse of the "special occasion". The latter won.

During the next week, while in this already emotionally weakened state, I learned that Aaron, a 20 year old boy I had been working with in hospital, had died. While I could not have seen it coming and was helpless to stop it, his death hit me hard. So young, yet so lost. I thought about my boys and fear for their futures began to infiltrate my thoughts. I reached for comfort in the thing that weakens me, sugar.

As I sit and write this morning, I have a migraine, my right shoulder and arm are weak and painful, my mid back is very tight and my foundation (back, hips, knees, feet) are all painful and unhappy. My emotions are low and I feel I have nothing left in the tank.

As I sit back, take a few deep breaths and clear my mind, I am realizing that these thoughts and emotions are all temporary and well within my control. Today is a new day and an opportunity to reframe my goals. I know when I am moving towards my goals I feel light, clear and strong. I know I do not want to be in pain. So, instead of using the past two weeks as a tool for self deprecation, I am choosing to use it as a learning experience on this journey. The more I learn, the less likely I will be surprised and fall victim, in this manner again.

Now, I see how easy it is to loose sight of my goals and fall back into old patterns. Now, I see how life can take quick, surprising turns and lead me down dark alleys. Now, I see how much physical pain is directly associated with my diet and emotional state.

And now, I see how opening my eyes, being honest, caring and willing to accept my own short comings can free me from my harmful patterns.

Dealing with temptations...

Today, I am at 200 pounds. I have not seen that number on my scale in almost 2 years. Last Friday I was at 201, then Friday night I had the very rare opportunity to take Kamin out for a "Daddy and Me" dinner. We started out for a nice Chinese Buffet near our home but it was so crowded we decided to go to a small German restaurant near by instead. In typical German style, the food was delicious and abundant. Looking back I ate at least twice what I normally eat in one sitting. The next morning I was up to 203! Yikes! Wrong way...

Immediately after the meal, feeling stuffed, and cloudy I noticed a sense of guilt starting to creep in, and the sadness I have so long associated with "failures" in my life. This is not a comfortable place, anymore. Recognizing the pattern of failure feeding guilt, then using the self talk "Whats the use" to fall back into old habits, I sat back listened, breathed deep and gave myself the opportunity to learn from the experience instead.

I learned that guilt is a significant trigger for me. I fail to hold up to my own (or others) expectations and whammo, I give up on myself. As I mentioned before, once the trigger / pattern has been identified, it loses its ability to control, without conscious permission. I recently found a wonderful quote for this particular point -

"If you're tired of starting over, then stop giving up"

I have been limiting myself to one cup of coffee but this week, after about an hour of consideration, I allowed myself two. No sugar, just a bit of milk. I allowed that to be ok and worked to notice if I felt or thought any differently during the day. Without the guilt, nothing really came up.

This process continues to be a fruitful exploration of self and how I align myself thorough thoughts and actions. Triggers, patterns and opportunities to "Cheat" abound in a house full of children and responsibilities.

This week, I gave myself permission to be less than perfect.

The cravings are getting easier to manage.

Today I am at 201 lbs. I am finding managing the cravings for sweets to be much easier, especially as I see / feel the results of my progress. My knees hurt less, I have more energy and I am more alert.  I have noticed some important things this week related to my cravings and patterns.

December 2012, I personally feel, was the peak of my depression, resentment and self deprecation. As I gain distance from that time, I am starting to see how powerful my addiction has been and the pattern I have been trapped in for so long. I know I am just getting started and I have more to do on this life long change but I am more confident in my potential for success than I have ever been in my life. I have more tools at my disposal and a strong, loving support system, which includes readers of this Blog.

Taking some terminology from psychotherapy, triggers are typically external stimulations which cause an internal response. These can be certain people, places, actions, sights, smells and sounds. Think Pavlov's Dog, he hears a bell and begins to salivate. I eat a meal and begin to crave dessert. I have a coffee and begin to crave a cookie or chocolate. I feel stressed, I begin to seek out sexual pleasure as a form of relief. The  foods or even sex are not the problem here, it is the manner in which I am using them that is at issue. It is not coming from a healthy place, a habitual reaction not a choice. When I give in to a trigger, I am simply relieving a habitual pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Reaction -> Result...
Drink coffee -> Crave Chocolate -> Eat Chocolate -> Feel good then later feel guilt or shame for giving in to the trigger. Coupled with self deprecation when looking in the mirror. This adds to my stress which then adds to my trigger and here I go again.

The Qigong Principle of Listening has become one of my best friends on this journey. It has allowed me to notice when the triggers are activated and proactively choose a different reaction. So here is the pattern I am working on now. When a trigger comes up, I notice it and determine where it is coming from; am I feeling stress, am I reacting out of habit (IE after meal dessert); I sit with the feeling as long as is necessary to gain understanding of its origin. Once I understand it, I choose to accept it or reject it and allow EITHER decision to be ok. So here is the new pattern;
Trigger -> Craving -> Listen -> Conscious Choice -> Acceptance -> Result...

Here is an example from this week - Fayne and I had the opportunity for a date night after a long afternoon in the sound booth recording voiceovers for our new Training DVD. I took her to The Afgan Grill in North Dallas. When I got to the restaurant I was already plotting my path through the meal, craving Baklava and Turkish Coffee. I ordered a Vegetarian dish partly to save some "caloric room" for these amazing treats. We had water with the meal but it was very cold outside and I wanted something warm to drink - TURKISH COFFEE! I knew this would further trigger/ enhance my desire for dessert so I waited to order it. I ate slowly, and about half way through my plate, I ordered hot tea instead. Much to my surprise and pleasure, they make an amazing Cardamon Tea. (My new favorite) I still had the cravings but I was sitting with them, enjoying the meal and our conversation. By the end, I had let go of the cravings and even better yet, felt no remorse for the decision. I did not feel deprived and depressed which has historically been one of the main reasons for my past failed attempts at change.

In the end, using Listening Energy to identify my triggers and recognize the habitual patterns has allowed me to make conscious choices which serve my best, long term interest. As I see and feel positive results on this journey, the cravings are not nearly as strong, and they have become much shorter in length.

Thank you for listening.

Sinking Energy...Letting go

This week I weighed in at 204. Down two pounds. My mind feels brighter and I am finding I have more energy. I started back to teaching, after our year end break, which brings about a new selection of challenges. Mondays, I eat snacks in the car, driving between classes. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I typically eat out, using the down time to read and write. As we all know eating well in a restaurant can be a challenge, between calories, portion sizes and other temptations. This is where Sinking Energy can come into play.

Sinking Energy, on a physical level, is about letting go of unnecessary muscles. Allowing my structural alignment (bones) to bear the majority of the load and my muscles to move the load from place to place, in proper alignment. On a mental level, Sinking Energy becomes about letting go of thoughts which do not serve me. "its just one treat", "I deserve this" and "I don't care" are three big ones for me, especially when I am looking at things that do not support my long term health goals.

Taking a step back, before I could make a conscious choice to move past these "self talk" messages, I first had to hear them clearly, acknowledge that they at one point may have served me but are now in my way. Here is a typical example form my week - I am feeling "snackie" and head to the pantry. Nutella! I can smell it, remember how it tastes and want some. Then I hear, "but you shouldn't". Then, but I have been so good, I swam 2000 meters on Thursday - "I deserve this". If I am able to resist further, then I hear, "I don't care". Even though a part of me knows I really do care. Especially when my pants are too tight and I feel foggy and tired after the fact.

In my work with addictions, I have learned that the typical "physical need" once triggered, lasts only about 20 minutes. After that it is a mental game. So one strategy I am implementing on this journey is to sit with the craving and self talk for 20 minutes before I make a final decision on the "treat". This does not mean sitting in meditation, although that can be very good if the craving is strong. It simply means to spend time listening to the craving. I find that doing something else while I am actively listening to the craving helps distract. With this practice, I am finding that after about 15 minutes, the internal drive for the treat is basically gone. And if, after waiting, I choose to have the treat then I eat it slowly, allowing myself to enjoy every morsel, guilt free. That is the deal. Obviously if the addiction is deadly, such as with narcotics, leaving the guilt free sampling out is critical to long term success.

I found a saying that I have posted on my wall next to my desk which is helping me with letting go of these thoughts that no longer serve my best interests.

"Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW, and what you want MOST." Perfect.

Exploring Qigong Principles from the inside out...

Like water always seeking to be level, we are all simply seeking balance in our lives. If we are hot, we want to cool down; cold, warm up; hungry, eat; tired, sleep. In pain, get out of pain and so on. There is a delicate, intricate balance of chemicals in our bodies which is always simply seeking to be in balance.

As I continue this journey of internal change, the principle of "Listening" is a wonderful tool to dig deep into who I am, right now. Here are some examples from this week.

I love coffee. I would consider it a comfort food for me. It is not about the caffeine, it is about the smell, the taste (with cream and sugar) and the warmth I get from drinking it. I am going without for now because I have learned that it is a trigger for my sugar cravings. Yes, I drink it with sugar but even when I don't, the craving is still there although, not as strong. So, until I can learn to moderate, I will stay away from that trigger of temptation.

Also, I am noticing that at certain times of the day I am REALLY craving sweets and as I look back at my habits, I begin to see how the pattern plays out. We usually finish dinner around 7 or 8 pm and by 10 pm I am finding myself hungry for a snack. This leads me down the road of wanting to fill that void before going to bed. I hear a persistent self talk of "don't go to bed hungry". I found myself pacing around last night trying to talk myself out of a snack and then trying to find a healthy snack that I felt would satisfy my pattern and self talk. I tried a few pine nuts, and a small oatmeal cookie (gluten free, sugar free, taste free). No dice. I still had this savory - sweet craving that I thought only a Payday candy bar could fill. I ended up out on the back porch, sitting in meditation with a glass of water and the cold night air, listening. While I sat in a Dan Tien Breathing meditation, listening to the craving, the pattern and the desire slowly drifted out of my body. I stayed up for a while more but the craving had left me.

I can see that the principle of listening will serve me very well on this journey.