A week full of opportunities...

I am getting to this later than I had hoped but such is life. This morning I weighed in at 199.7 pounds. At this rate, I will reach my goal weight of 185 lbs. in less than three months.


One of my favorite mantras is "TRUST - ALLOW - BE THANKFUL" ~ Dr. Alan Chen

TRUST that everything is unfolding as it needs to, in your best interest
ALLOW things to unfold before you in their own time
BE THANKFUL for every step and lesson along the way


This week began very well with me leaving for Albuquerque NM to attend a weekend of Board meetings with my colleagues on the National Qigong Association Board of Directors. For me, the big challenge when traveling has always been sticking to a healthy diet. Restaurants are notorious for serving rich, oversized portions and offering intense dessert options. Not long ago I would have fallen prey to my "I deserve this" self talk and would have come home having added at least two of three pounds to my morning weigh in. I am pleased to say, not this time.

Over the past month, my observations regarding self talk, triggers and patterns has really helped me to become more aware. That awareness has helped to shift my behaviors from "unconscious habit" to conscious choices and WOW what a difference! I found myself easily moving past bad choices on the menu and finding the best choices for my continued success, and it did not feel like sacrifice, at all. In addition, when I made a choice which was a bit less healthy, I allowed that to be a conscious choice and therefore did not have the guilt and self loathing attached to it I am so used to feeling. I even had a very nice chocolate tort (flourless cake) with a creme brûlée layer on top for dessert on Saturday night. This was topping off a nice grilled salmon caesar salad. No guilt. This is very new territory for me.

On the walk back to the hotel I listened to what I was telling myself about the meal I had just enjoyed. Yes, there was some doubt that I had made a good choice but over all I allowed myself that treat without the baggage.

Now, once I got home, things were a bit different. We began a new series of Qigong Principle Training at the Dallas VA on Tuesday and I was feeling lees than prepared. In short, my "less than" and "not good enough" self talk was on full volume. Being pulled in many directions, I find myself lacking time to work on the tools for that program which leaves me feeling frustrated and fatalistic. This leads me to being tired, then when I do have time, I sometimes lack the motivation to step into what I know have to (and truly want to) do. This is where some of my positive self talk comes in to save the day. "I can do this" / "one step at a time" / "it will get done" are all things I hear in my head, especially when I am feeling really beat down. Sometimes "whats the use" wins, but not for long. For you see, even with all the difficulty I have faced in my life, I am still here. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I married one too.

Even still, the fighter in me allowed my anger to crop up this week and my pain levels have been higher than usual. This is a familiar, albeit uncomfortable, pattern. I tried to sit with my breath and listen to my anger, working to identify where it was coming from but at times it was clouded over and unclear. This simply shows me that there are parts inside me which still need me to listen with an open mind and compassionate heart. There was a time where my ego would get really angry at the thought that I was not "done" with my anger but I know realize I am, and will continue to be a "work in progress".

Sinking Energy...Letting go

This week I weighed in at 204. Down two pounds. My mind feels brighter and I am finding I have more energy. I started back to teaching, after our year end break, which brings about a new selection of challenges. Mondays, I eat snacks in the car, driving between classes. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I typically eat out, using the down time to read and write. As we all know eating well in a restaurant can be a challenge, between calories, portion sizes and other temptations. This is where Sinking Energy can come into play.

Sinking Energy, on a physical level, is about letting go of unnecessary muscles. Allowing my structural alignment (bones) to bear the majority of the load and my muscles to move the load from place to place, in proper alignment. On a mental level, Sinking Energy becomes about letting go of thoughts which do not serve me. "its just one treat", "I deserve this" and "I don't care" are three big ones for me, especially when I am looking at things that do not support my long term health goals.

Taking a step back, before I could make a conscious choice to move past these "self talk" messages, I first had to hear them clearly, acknowledge that they at one point may have served me but are now in my way. Here is a typical example form my week - I am feeling "snackie" and head to the pantry. Nutella! I can smell it, remember how it tastes and want some. Then I hear, "but you shouldn't". Then, but I have been so good, I swam 2000 meters on Thursday - "I deserve this". If I am able to resist further, then I hear, "I don't care". Even though a part of me knows I really do care. Especially when my pants are too tight and I feel foggy and tired after the fact.

In my work with addictions, I have learned that the typical "physical need" once triggered, lasts only about 20 minutes. After that it is a mental game. So one strategy I am implementing on this journey is to sit with the craving and self talk for 20 minutes before I make a final decision on the "treat". This does not mean sitting in meditation, although that can be very good if the craving is strong. It simply means to spend time listening to the craving. I find that doing something else while I am actively listening to the craving helps distract. With this practice, I am finding that after about 15 minutes, the internal drive for the treat is basically gone. And if, after waiting, I choose to have the treat then I eat it slowly, allowing myself to enjoy every morsel, guilt free. That is the deal. Obviously if the addiction is deadly, such as with narcotics, leaving the guilt free sampling out is critical to long term success.

I found a saying that I have posted on my wall next to my desk which is helping me with letting go of these thoughts that no longer serve my best interests.

"Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW, and what you want MOST." Perfect.

Exploring Qigong Principles from the inside out...

Like water always seeking to be level, we are all simply seeking balance in our lives. If we are hot, we want to cool down; cold, warm up; hungry, eat; tired, sleep. In pain, get out of pain and so on. There is a delicate, intricate balance of chemicals in our bodies which is always simply seeking to be in balance.

As I continue this journey of internal change, the principle of "Listening" is a wonderful tool to dig deep into who I am, right now. Here are some examples from this week.

I love coffee. I would consider it a comfort food for me. It is not about the caffeine, it is about the smell, the taste (with cream and sugar) and the warmth I get from drinking it. I am going without for now because I have learned that it is a trigger for my sugar cravings. Yes, I drink it with sugar but even when I don't, the craving is still there although, not as strong. So, until I can learn to moderate, I will stay away from that trigger of temptation.

Also, I am noticing that at certain times of the day I am REALLY craving sweets and as I look back at my habits, I begin to see how the pattern plays out. We usually finish dinner around 7 or 8 pm and by 10 pm I am finding myself hungry for a snack. This leads me down the road of wanting to fill that void before going to bed. I hear a persistent self talk of "don't go to bed hungry". I found myself pacing around last night trying to talk myself out of a snack and then trying to find a healthy snack that I felt would satisfy my pattern and self talk. I tried a few pine nuts, and a small oatmeal cookie (gluten free, sugar free, taste free). No dice. I still had this savory - sweet craving that I thought only a Payday candy bar could fill. I ended up out on the back porch, sitting in meditation with a glass of water and the cold night air, listening. While I sat in a Dan Tien Breathing meditation, listening to the craving, the pattern and the desire slowly drifted out of my body. I stayed up for a while more but the craving had left me.

I can see that the principle of listening will serve me very well on this journey.

Un Happy Meals - NYT Article Link...

Considering the tangent I went on in my last Blog entry, I absolutely had to share this article with you. I have never read a more clearly stated description / explanation regarding the state of nutrition in our country. Where it came from and how we got to this modern day epidemic where over 60% of our population is considered OBESE! You may or may not agree but it will certainly get you thinking.

It is a bit long but stick with it, as it is definitely worth the time!
PLEASE CLICK HERE for the full article.

Eat healthy, be well...