Happy? New Year 2013

As I sit and read my last entry, I am realizing I have so many things going on in my life right now. Over the past year I have strived to live the words I wrote in December 2011 but I know I have fallen short at times. Does this make me a bad person? I think it makes me an average mortal. We strive, we try, we fail, we strive we try, we succeed, we strive, we try we fail and so on...The key is that we learn with each step we take. The learning is where I have fallen down maybe more than most for you see, I am an addict. I am addicted to pleasure and its many forms.

In Daoist Tradition, this is the year of the Water Snake, my year to step up. To honor myself, my many teachers and the path I have been given to walk in this life.

I ask my students to move into discomfort, and often say that the places where we are most uncomfortable offer the most power to heal. Well, there is nothing more uncomfortable to me, right now than the words I am about to share on this page. I feel my heart energy stirring so I know I am in the right place, for me to begin healing on a deeper level. I am and Addict.

For most of my adult life, I was addicted to sex as a means of proving myself worthy of love. Meaning if I was sharing sex with a woman, I was loving and loved. It took many years and painful processing for me to realize how wrong I was. Sex has nothing to do with love, but deep love can lead to wonderful sex. I struggled with the confused picture of sex I was given as an 11/12 year old Boy Scout, by a Scout Leader who was also very confused about what love was. It took me many years to move the profound confusion, anger and hatred I had for him into a place of compassion. Not forgiveness, just compassion for the hardships he must have endured to grow up so confused. I do not wish to mislead anyone into thinking that I have forgotten what happened, that is not the case. if I close my eyes, I can still go there, but what i feel now is very different. Having come to peace with this time in my life has been about finding the gifts I have been given during that difficult time.

1) I am a very loving, active father to our three boys. I have learned to show them what self respect and honesty can bring to their hearts. They are all three, active Scouts and strong, kind, loving young men.

2) As a husband, I have learned the meaning of true love. And that the physical act of sex is a very small fraction of what true love is about. This is still a work in progress for me as my physical desires are still strong and confusion returns at times of pain and emotional weakness.

3) As a Recreational Therapist, I spend time each week with people who are struggling to make sense of their personal traumas. My having sat in their shoes (often to a lesser degree) has given me the ability to empathize with them, earn their respect, and share some of the tools I have used on my personal healing path.

I am an Addict.
Sugar and fats have been a big part of my life as far back as I can remember. There were many painful times in my childhood and there are several food groups which give me comfort and pleasure. The words "I deserve this" are often playing in the back of my mind when I reach for something I know is not healthy and will add to my growing waistline. At 206 pounds, I am heavier today than I have ever been in my life.

When working with addiction, I tell patients to face their feelings and listen to the self talk to gain insights into why the "drug of choice" is in their lives. What keeps you going back for more?
This is going to be my forum for learning this piece of myself. I am making it public because I have been struggling with this too long in private. My health is at risk and I feel like a hypocrite if I do not step up to the challenges I give each of my students / patients.

So here goes...I am addicted to sugars and fats...They give me pleasure which, as stated above, is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I recently read a book which I found very useful on this path - Suicide by Sugar in which the author quotes research showing sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It sure feels that way to me.

In October of 2010, I went on a week long retreat at Magnolia Grove Monastery to listen to the profound wisdom of my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay). After a couple of days without sugar, my body felt terrible, weakness, headaches, nausea, the shakes. It was very surprising to me. At the end of day three, I started feeling amazing. Bright, strong and full of energy. Part of it was the environment, vegetarian cooking and deep meditations but I can not ignore how profound my cravings for sugar were early in the week. As with any addict, it is easy to stay sober when you are isolated from the substance of choice. However, out here in the real world, sugars and fats are all around us. Out in plain sight as well as deeply hidden in the foods we eat.

There are several parts to this healing path -
I will be working to eliminate all forms of sugar from my diet and reducing fats.
I will be listening intently to the self talk and working to heal the words, replacing them with my new core beliefs.
I will seek outside support for my goals from family, friends and strangers to help me along this path for we never do anything, truly on our own.
I will use the training principles I have been given in my training to deepen my physical, mental and emotional commitment to myself and my students.
I am committing to write an entry every Friday throughout 2013 to document my progress.


This will be a work in progress but today is as good a day as any to start my journey.

Happy New Year 2012?

I know I have not written in quite some time but I feel compelled to start again anew for 2012...

Much has happened in my life since that final post on December 23, 2007 but one thing has remained constant - I am still training and teaching Tai Chi and Qigong. More on that later but you can get a glimpse at this link to my End of Year Message

So here I sit at 11:27 CST on December 31st, 2011 with my first blog entry in over 4 years.

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Happy New Year 2012...?

I have been witnessing so many messages wishing me and everyone else, the very best for the new year and yet I feel indifferent to it all. At what point did we decide to make such a huge deal of turning from one year to the next, after all it is just another 24 hour period marked in time.

Well, before I acknowledge this celebration, I have a few questions.

Why is December 31^st so much better than March 3^rd, June 9^th or any other day in our calendar year?

Why must we wait an entire year before we decide to make meaningful changes in our lives?

Why then, do these changes tend to wither away so quickly?

I know this view seems simplistic, maybe even cynical, but if you think about these questions long enough...

How about these questions...

What if we were to treat each day as if it were our last one on Earth?

What if we truly believed that every conversation we had could be the last words spoken to that person?

What if we were able to close all loose ends and lived a life free of remorse, regret and resentment?

What if, from this day forward, we simply treated everyone we meet as we want to be treated?

What would any of our deities do?

~ LCB

Tai Chi, integrity in motion...

Tai Chi is often called "Meditation in Motion". While this conjures up imagery of students basking in the morning sun, gracefully moving through their forms, reflections dancing gently on a nearby pond, I personally feel it is a bit misleading, especially during the first few years of Tai Chi training when simple coordination and concentration are such an effort. After the basics are comfortable THEN the hard training begins in earnest. I am always reminding my students, "If it is easy, then it is NOT Tai Chi". Creating that "effortless" movement only looks easy. Consider how beautiful and graceful (even effortless) the Olympic Gymnast or Figure Skater looks when performing their routines for a captivated audience. Then consider the amount of personal sacrifice that went into that performance; countless hours, weeks and years of proper diet, consistent exercise and repetitive training. So then why do new students walking into our Tai Chi classes think that they can master this process of training the body in a few short weeks? The ones that stay with the program soon begin to discover its treasures through better balance, improved strength, coordination and concentration but the forms are far from graceful at this point in training. Years will pass before one feels "comfortable" with the forms. This is perfectly natural as there is no substitute for time and consistent training.

Supporting the Sky...
In last week's classes we paid close attention to our Grounding Energy; giving ourselves a strong, well rooted stance. Tai Chi has its roots in Daoist Philosophy which clearly observes balance in all things as is well represented in the Yin Yang symbol.

Therefore, to focus only on Grounding would ignore half of the equation; Supporting the Sky brings that all important balance to this spinal training. Both Grounding and Supporting the Sky begin in the lower Dan Tien then travel in opposite directions down or up the spine respectively. This combined focus on spinal flow creates another principal focus called "Needle in the Cotton".

Listening to your body...
When we wiggle our fingers, the brain has sent signals through our nervous system to the appropriate muscle groups which then create the desired movement. As an added bonus, our eyes provide visual confirmation of this action. In another example, when we tighten our abdominal muscles we can not "see" them flex (at least most of us can't) we have to feel it happen. This internal focus translates (simply enough) as "listening". In order to truly train your body effectively, you must heighten you ability to "tune in" to yourself through deeper concentration.

One of the most effective relaxation techniques I know is the visualization of sinking into the bed with every exhale. This imagination play very effectively communicates with the brain and begins the process releasing muscles in an effort to provide the desired sensation of sinking into the bed. When working on spinal strengthening through the "Needle in the Cotton" principal, visualization (imagining both the Grounding Energy and Supporting the Sky's rising energy) is a very important tool. Being able to confirm your efforts through effective "listening" allows you to close the loop on the process giving you positive confirmation of your actions.

A road map to a better mind/body connection...
If you decide that Tai Chi is for you then realize that it will take time and sincere effort to produce the desired results. There are no magic pills or substitutions for the focused attention, deep concentration and precise alignments required to be successful. Consider yourself an explorer of unknown terrain (your body and mind). You are setting out on an adventure that will give you a much clearer "road map" of yourself. Providing you the opportunity to affect real change within your own "body world". This journey will take a deep commitment to yourself, a determination that will challenge you mentally, physically and emotionally. Simply put, Tai Chi is about creating Integrity in Motion.

Tai Chi, its a three way street...

This week Fayne and I had a seminar to do for Adult Protective Services. It was their annual meeting and we were asked to come in and talk with and teach them techniques in effective stress management. The preparation for this seminar gave me an opportunity to learn about their working conditions and the stresses they are placed under each day. Social workers, like teachers are often underpaid, overworked and under appreciated; to dismiss these facts and simply say that it goes with the territory is also, unfair.

The mind body connection runs deep...
Tai Chi training has three distinct levels of work; physical, mental and spiritual... Each level is guided towards a comfortable inner harmony or balance. What most people fail to realize is how fully connected these three levels are to each other. Here are some specific examples for your consideration:

PHYSICAL ---> MENTAL ---> SPIRITUAL
NEGATIVE: Chronic or acute physical pain causes mental distraction, reducing one's ability to concentrate and can strongly affect one's mood, patience and energy level. Poor diet and lack of exercise will affect energy levels as well as attitude.
POSITIVE: Strong posture, healthy physical exercise and a good diet can provide mental clarity and promote spiritual wellness through a sense of well-being.

PHYSICAL <--- MENTAL ---> SPIRITUAL
NEGATIVE: Mental confusion, disorientation or a sense of overburden can cause high blood pressure, migraines, loss of appetite, restlessness, fatigue, anger, frustration and depression
POSITIVE: Consistent meditation, quiet time and / or personal contemplation, can positively affect your mental clarity and spirit as well as lowering your blood pressure, eliminating hyper-tension and reducing fatigue

PHYSICAL <--- MENTAL <--- SPIRITUAL
NEGATIVE: Sadness, depression, anger and frustration can restrict your ability to concentrate, increase tension, affect your posture, create fatigue, insomnia and loss of appetite
POSITIVE: Taking the time to work on your spirit will help you feel lighter mentally as well and release deep seated stresses "baggage", allowing you to take life a little easier, greatly enhancing your physical well being by reducing blood pressure, relieving tension, promoting a more stable attitude and opening your Heart Center to love.

This may seem like "new age who ha" but there is clear scientific evidence for each of the points I am making as well as my own personal experiences with myself and my students. In addition, when I presented this information, along with specific exercises, to the APS Social Workers I was met with MANY nodding heads who clearly saw the connections through their own personal experiences. This is a group of people who can clearly draw relationships between the stresses of their jobs and the resulting high blood pressure, hyper-tension, migraines, depression, anger and exhaustion. Many say that "it comes with the territory" when you are trying to help people who may not understand what is going on or feel they don't need the help, even when it is painfully clear how badly they do need you.

Perspective is huge...
Tai Chi is about physical, mental and spiritual balance, no matter what causes your imbalances, your perspective on them is a huge part of how they affect you. Each day we make decisions that will determine our mood, stress level and physical health. Very often, we tell ourselves "little white lies" to help convince ourselves that we can do this...

• I don't have time for a health breakfast I can just shove a donut in my mouth on the way to the first of many meetings in my overbooked day; I can get something good to eat later
  
• I need the caffeine to help keep me awake
  
• My body hurts after I run but I don't like other forms of exercise
• I can stay up and work on this report, I really only need about 4 hours sleep; my boss will be impressed
  
• Drinking helps me to relax; after all it is only on the weekends
• I will slow down when I get this project to the next stage
• He is my customer, I have to do what he says, even if it is long hours and on the weekend
• My family knows I love them I don't have to tell them how I feel
  
• It is only a little lie, besides he/she would get upset if they knew the truth and I don't want to deal with that
  
• I don't have time to: cook, exercise, play a game with my kids, (insert your issue here)
  

The words "work / life balance" seem to have taken on a different meaning lately. It seems to be more about how much can we pile on before the balance breaks instead of determining when enough is enough. As a Cubmaster and Boy Scout Leader, each week I see kids being driven to band, soccer, scouts and baseball ALL in the same week! I have seen kids come into a scout meeting sweaty, still in their sports uniform, not having eaten anything since lunch, trying to concentrate on first aid skills for an hour then grabbing some fast food on the way home to a pile of homework. This is on top of school projects and chores! I have seen camp outs driven so hard to cram as much as possible int one weekend that the boys did not have time to truly appreciate the natural beauty we drove 5 hours to see. I am also seeing more and more obesity in these children. This begs the question; "What will the next generation be like?" Will they have the faintest idea what it means to relax, slow down and enjoy life? With 75% of disease in this country directly related to stress, what will their medical bills look like. The message I tried to impart on my students this week as well at the Social Workers at the seminar is simple, take time for yourself on your own terms or your body, sooner or later, will force you into taking time on its terms through illness, disease or a breakdown. Our bodies are like tax collectors, you can either pay me now, or pay me later.

A final thought...
Each week, I have the benefit of working with many people who are on the other side of cancer, strokes, heart attacks and other life threatening diseases. I have also lost some dear students and family to these same diseases and worked with people who faced terminal illness head on with grace and beauty. It is clear to me that they all share one thing in common. No matter what drove them to their particular illness, the fear of death has changed them forever. Suddenly they appreciate the little things, have more tolerance for the "stupid things" and express their love more freely. I would like to suggest that it is better to learn from their near death experiences than to create one of our own to affect change in our own lives. And if you still need a wake-up call, go volunteer some time with the children at Scottish Rite Hospital, that should do it.

Tis the season for Tai Chi...

The holiday season is always a mixed blessing.

As much as there is joy, there is also sorrow;
As much as gifts abound, some must do without;
As much as there is kindness, anger runs wild and free;
As much as there is peace, stress is embedded in each day;

Why, just this week I saw two people driving down the road, wishing each other a happy holiday season with their MIDDLE FINGERS...

Breathe, relax and try to remember the REAL reasons we celebrate this time of year...

The mind / body connection - A road map for your health...
Last week we focused on concentration. This week we took that same focus into the body. Imagine that you move to a new town. Typically, the first thing you will learn are the major roadways. Then, with time and practice, you will find easier, more efficient routes to your favorite places. You will get very comfortable driving those routes and resist changing them. So it is with our spirit. When we are newborn, infant, toddler we are using the highways (gross motor skills). Then, as we grow up, we begin to find easier, more refined ways to make the same movements (using the best roads, and favorite short cuts). When we take on something new (like a road unpaved) wit is choppy, unrefined but with time and frequent effort (travel) to smooth it out, we improve. As we age, some roads we were used to using frequently, become less traveled. WE become less flexible, not as strong and maybe lose our ability to balance effectively. If we continue to ignore these issues (roads) they will become increasingly more difficult to find. You do not have to run a marathon to stay active, just don't stop doing things you enjoy and make sure you keep those "roads" well traveled.

The fewer, the better...
One of the main goals in Tai Chi and Qigong training is to become more fully aware of our own internal muscle map (roadways). We strive to become increasingly more efficient at using our bodies. Imagine being able to perform a movement with 3 muscles in lieu of 23. Those 20 "extra" muscles would then be able to relax and enjoy a gentle stretch while the 3 were working harder than ever before. Circulation through the relaxed areas would increase and as an added bonus, the 3 working muscles would get much stronger and more connected within the brain's map in the process. They would develop a more precise understanding of what their role is within our intricate body. This increased efficiency helps to conserve energy, boost immune functions and vitality as well as stimulating deeper concentration and a profound sense of calm.


Heart Strings...
While working on the body is important, it is truly only the tip of the Tai Chi iceberg. One cannot honestly call it Tai Chi or Qigong unless the body, mind and heart (spirit) are ALL fully involved. IN my 30 years of martial training and my more recent judging of Tai Chi competitions, I have seen many talented people. Some were master technicians, performing with such precision, yet something was still lacking in all their efforts. Then I have seen the less technical student meander through the forms with a grace and beauty that left everyone watching, deeply moved by the performance. The difference between the two lies deeply within the mysteries of our own heart. In Tai Chi and Qigong, physical precision and mental focus mean very little without a clear heart connection.

I asked students this week to perform the opening form with NO regard for the technical aspects of the movement, just move with an open, loving heart. For some, I should have asked for the Brooklyn Bridge, it would have been easier... Some students were completely unable to open up to this training concept while others embraced it fully and yet others, literally "fell apart" while trying. The varied reactions did not really surprise me since we spend so much time concealing our true feelings in order to "spare" another person's feelings or to protect our "image" of world order. We even lie to ourselves to help make our frustrations more bearable hoping that it will all magically get better somehow. "Everything will get better", "I'm fine, really" "everyone argues, that's just our passion and love, right?" I am here to tell you from personal experience, just like physical training, if you do not put in the work, you will not get the results, period. I have met VERY FEW people that know Tai Chi at this level. In all my travels and working with some truly gifted teachers, I can honestly think of 2 or 3 that understood the heart connection well enough to apply it into their own lives. Amazingly, these teachers were were open and honest about the fact that they were "still working on it".

Try it at home...
Pick a movement; any movement. It does NOT have to be specifically Tai Chi or Qigong related, it should just feel natural and relaxed to your body. Before you move, breathe, relax and fill your heart with love. Once you truly feel this love deep in your heart, allow yourself to move, keeping your focus on the love, not the technique. Notice how relaxed and at peace you begin to feel. I have found that, for most of us, it takes a lot of practice to hold your focus. For those who work with their hearts daily, healers and spiritual teachers for example, this exercise is an integral part of their everyday existence... We can make it a wonderful part of our everyday too, if we put in the "heart time".

Journaling is "Heart Work"...
For my own training, I have found journaling to be a profound source of wisdom and insight into my deepest self. Here are some tips that may help you journal effectively:

• It takes time to develop the habit so do not let yourself get angry or frustrated if you miss a day or two or twelve. Allow yourself to write when YOU NEED to write, not just because it is a new day.
• Write from the heart, do not edit for content, punctuations or grammatical correctness. Let it flow naturally without judgement or fear of being "found out".
  
• Once you have written an entry, walk away from it and reread it the next day. You may find some insights that you were too close to see before.
• Every feeling is valid and should be acknowledged, do not allow yourself to suppress anything when writing, this will prevent your true nature from showing itself to you.
• Trust the process, do not "expect" results from the work. The lessons will be there when the student is ready to hear them.
• If you have someone you can share these insights and feelings with, you should consider doing so. This will further help to stimulate your personal growth and may give you a completely different perspective.
• Write from the heart, do not let the mind take over. If you get "stuck" walk away for a while, it will come back when it is ready.