Early Sunday mornings I typically train with my mentor, Dr. Chen. There is form practice, group student training and then he works with some senior students individually, giving each of them very careful attention. As I have been working with him for over 6 years, I am quite used to the routine and the growth that can come out of the focused attention he shares with each of us. This Sunday he asked me to pay close attention to my Dan Tien; I was not to allow any movement at all without originating it from the Dan Tien. For me, this type of intense concentration typically can only be held for a short time (maybe 3 to 6 movements) at which time I feel like I have run a marathon of sorts, sweaty and tired. Today would be different.
Those simple words...
When he told me what he wanted I began to relax, smile and prepare for my first movement. It was slow and precise, then he stopped me and made me start over; he could not see the Dan Tien. Again, I smiled and relaxed (as much as I could) and began. One movement then two, then he uttered something that helped me to release everything and just be. "I do not care about the technique, I want to see your Dan Tien". It was like a weight had been taken off my shoulders, I was free to relax, not think about technique and just be with my Dan Tien. It was marvelous! He had me go about 12 movements into the form and it felt like one. I ended with a gentle closing and a standing meditation, hands at the Dan Tien. I felt relaxed and completely at peace; still sweaty but not tired in any way.
What it means to me...
Needless to say, I left training happy and curious as to what this experience meant. I spent the next two days meditating on it and realized that over the past 6 years, I have been doing a lot of spirit training (working on my heart energy) to cultivate compassion and unconditional love. Those closest to me have said I have come a long way. I do feel much more calm, relaxed and loving than I ever have in my life. One area I realize has been lacking attention is in being able to share that compassion and love with MYSELF. I have always been my own worst critic and feel that it has served me well when it comes to being motivated to succeed. Yet on the other hand I realized that if I had a "to do list" of 20 things and completed 19 of them, I would spend my time focused on the one I did not do and thus not be satisfied with my efforts. If the feedback of nodding heads in classes this week is any indication, a LOT of people feel this way...
Past, present, future...
In Tai Chi, there is only NOW. If we spend our time thinking ahead into the form a few movements, we are missing the opportunity to be fully present in the current movement which tends to lead to missteps, then we are bugged by the fact we made a misstep, in the past... Get the picture? Expectations live in the future, attachments live in the past. If you are expecting to be progressing at a certain pace and you do not meet those expectations you will feel frustrated, anxious and annoyed (I should know this by now!). If you fret about a past movement that was "less than perfect" you will typically deal with anger (ANOTHER MISTAKE!), sadness, lament (I will never get this right) and possibly guilt. (I should have practiced more last week). Accepting who we are in the present moment allows us to feel deep love and joy about ourselves and our training. Try not to think about the next movement, you are still not done with this one, and do not fret or worry about the previous movement, it is gone; learn from it and move on...
Smile, be at peace and know YOU ARE ENOUGH.
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